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Dear How to Do It,

I am a 41-year-old straight cis woman, and my friend “Julia” (she/they) is an almost 40-year-old nonbinary assigned female at birth person who has come into their gender identity in the last few years. I support Julia wholeheartedly and am happy for them. A few months ago, Julia was talking to me about a friend of hers she’s getting closer to, “Jay” (they/them). Jay is someone I know from a hobby class that Julia and I both took a few years ago.

Julia mentioned that Jay had told them for the first time about their identity as a furry. Julia is a kind and accepting person and was very earnest in her support of her friend and talked about how beautiful and special it is that Jay can embrace this side of themselves and live authentically, and likened her own transition to Jay’s exploration of … furrydom I guess? I was not going to offer my input, but I was explicitly asked what I thought about furries and Julia’s analogy.

I said, as politely as possible, that while I wasn’t a part of the LGBTQ+ community nor a furry and perhaps had things wrong, the two things seemed rather obviously very different. I have no objection to Jay’s lifestyle, and in fact would fight for their right to enjoy that aspect of themselves, but that to me is just very, very different than a trans identity. A human can be a different human gender from the one they were born, or live outside the human gender binary. A human can’t be a fox. They just can’t. No matter how much they like them. I admitted to finding the whole thing a bit silly, but morally unobjectionable. We had a good talk and left the discussion.

Julia and Jay have been hanging out a lot recently, and Julia has invited Jay and their boyfriend “Brian” (also a furry) to her upcoming destination birthday at a beachfront property a few hours away from where we all live. I can’t go for the whole weekend, but I was considering a trip up for one day if possible. Julia has recently indicated that Jay and Brian will be free to wear their fur suits as much as they want during the weekend. Julia has also asked that we all make a concerted effort to get to know the couple’s furry sides and interact with them even though, as Julia caveated, they will likely only respond with nods or hand gestures while dressed up. They have also asked us to refer to Jay and Brian as “fox-self” and “cat-self” while the two are in their costumes. Julia briefly mentioned wanting us to all learn more about the community and said something about its “interesting history going back to indigenous tribes,” which … holy cultural appropriation Batman.

I’m considering not going because I’m not sure I can do all that. Jay and Brian will be Julia’s guests, and they’ve offered the two a safe space for the weekend. I believe that if I go, I am meeting them on their turf and don’t get to call any shots. But the shots that have been called aren’t ones I am interested in adhering to. I would never go out of my way to interact with a furry in my day-to-day, and don’t want to learn about them. I don’t see my views on the furry issue evolving beyond “it’s a cringey but harmless hobby or sex kink that you should absolutely engage in as you wish, and I will leave you in peace to get on with it.” Am I being judgmental? If I decide I can’t hang with Jay and Brian within the perimeters set, how can I politely tell Julia that?

—Human Woman

Dear Human Woman,

I emailed with a furry named Euly (whose fursona is a Forest Cat-Canada Lynx Hybrid, in case you’re curious) who serves as the external media executive for Furry Fiesta, an annual furry convention in Texas. Euly didn’t think anyone on either side of this dilemma was acting particularly unreasonably.

It’s not ridiculous of Jay and Brian to ask that their fursonas be acknowledged in the presence of a non-furry, and it’s not ridiculous (or even particularly offensive) of you to refuse to engage. “It’s well within one’s rights to not spend time with furries in suit if it makes one uncomfortable or the sort,” he wrote, noting that fandom/non-fandom communication tends to be limited “due to the fact people who are friendly to the fandom often end up in the fandom after some time.” By Euly’s estimation, the mixed grouping envisioned for the weekend is fairly rare.

There are a few considerations to keep in mind, based on some points in your letter. While one’s gender identity and furry status aren’t generally analogous “both in the realm of practical implementation and, for most furries, the lack of risk of meaningful dysphoria,” there are some furries who subscribe to the Therian movement (“individuals who identify as, rather than simply with, an animal identity”), which could be the case for Jay and Brian.

Julia indicated that Jay and Brian will be free to wear their fur suits as much as they want during the weekend. You are, of course, free to accept or reject this should it apply here, but understand that Jay and Brian are free to react to your reaction. That is, they could be hurt, offended, or have some kind of feelings if you were to openly rebuke their identities. This is just how the sharing of perceptions works. Personally, I don’t have much of an issue with accepting people how they ask to be accepted and calling them the names and pronouns that they request, though I’ve never been in this particular situation before. I imagine playing along could be fun. Yes, it might feel silly, but so does charades, the game Werewolf, or smoking weed socially if you think about it for any period of time. Letting go and feeling silly is one of life’s pleasures. However, if you aren’t prone to whimsy, I get why the situation sounds like a lot to endure.

Euly is a registered member of an indigenous band in Atlantic Canada, so he has some direct insight on your appropriation point: He wrote that you’re “not incorrect in suggesting that simply stating Indigenous groups having a cultural/spiritual connection with animals might come off as culturally insensitive to some extent,” he wrote. “A few conventions have tangled with individuals who show up wearing a sort of … pan-indigenous regalia, which doesn’t go over particularly well with members and allies of various indigenous groups across Turtle Island.” He said that if you feel the need to raise this issue, you should “ask them to specify what group in particular has practices Julia and company are interested in, and ask if they’ve any ties to that group beyond earnest curiosity.” That could be illuminating.

Mostly, Euly emphasized communication as your way forward: If you don’t want to refer to Jay and Brian by their in-suit pronouns, tell them. Furthermore: “The writer is by no means in the wrong to question whether they’re likely to enjoy the day trip (time is precious, one ought to spend it as best we can), but I’m also getting the feeling they could do a lot more good for themselves by talking with their friends, as I doubt things will be as difficult as they might suspect. It doesn’t sound like anyone involved is really looking to cause a fuss; more likely, they’re just a bit nervous about expressing their own concerns.”

This is probably more chill and less serious than you think. After all, it involves giant fur suits and “fox-self” and “cat-self” pronouns.

Dear How to Do It,

I, a married, cis woman in my 40s, have chronic muscle tension and have been in and out of physical therapy for many years to help deal with pain and flexibility issues. One of my biggest problem areas is my feet—I’ve been dealing with plantar fasciitis for over a decade now, since my arches are high and my muscles are so tight.

I have a question I’ve been too shy to ask my podiatrist or physical therapist: About half the time when I orgasm, one or both of the arches of my feet cramp up very painfully! The cramping usually starts during the buildup as I get close, and very occasionally derails the endeavor entirely. I do stretches daily to keep my plantar fasciitis under control, and they’re very effective, but don’t seem to solve this issue at all. Any ideas?

—Thank God My Partner Doesn’t Have a Foot Fetish

Dear Thank God My Partner Doesn’t Have a Foot Fetish,

Check out this case study of a 34-year-old woman who had foot pain with orgasm. See if you relate—she had “20 seconds of sharp pain in the medial arch of the right foot with either singular or multiple orgasms.” It turned out that she had femoral nerve entrapment (which means the nerve is pinched somewhere along its course) and that the pain she felt was in her saphenous nerve, which runs down the back of the leg. Perhaps this is also the case for you—this kind of nerve entrapment could exist alongside your plantar fasciitis.

The subject of the study visited a pelvic health physiotherapist, who determined that the pelvis was the site of the impairment. Treatment included “trigger point and active release therapy for the right psoas, iliacus, obliques and pelvic floor musculature, scar mobilization techniques, abdominal wall, and pelvic floor retraining, and pain education.”

The write-up of the case study makes clear that this condition is rare and there is a dearth of literature on the subject of pain with orgasm. I think this may require you to visit multiple practitioners, including a pelvic floor specialist and possibly a neurologist, if this is indeed a nerve issue. What should be obvious by now is that managing/ameliorating this pain will require having conversations about it.

Maybe the problem now is that you know your podiatrist and physical therapist too well and have never broached the subject of sex. I hope that visiting a clinician whom you don’t know and specifically about this condition will make communicating about it somewhat easier. Your shyness is understandable, but it is a barrier to proper treatment. Resolve to discuss this without shame. Remind yourself that it is not your fault, and wanting pain-free orgasms is completely natural. Doctors and therapists will understand and not judge you—they’re there to help.

Have Your Own Story to Share With How to Do It?

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear How to Do It,

I had my annual checkup recently with my OB-GYN and was told I had chlamydia! My husband and I do not have an open marriage, so the only way I could have contracted it would have been from him. Testing revealed he had it as well. He claims he must have caught it while at a hotel spa with several of his co-workers during a business trip. Is that sort of thing even possible?

—STIs Spread By Spa?

Dear Spa,

It is theoretically possible to catch chlamydia via a surface, especially if the environment is a humid one, as the bacteria can live outside the human body for hours. But this is so unlikely that this scenario may only exist in theory. In order for the bacteria to be transmitted, they would need to enter the body via a mucus membrane or a wound. This is not particularly likely in a spa. The fact remains: Chlamydia is most commonly spread through vaginal, oral, and anal sex.

Now, there are other possibilities of your test showing up positive for reasons other than your husband having outside sex. One is that your test could be a false positive. Another is that previous tests saying you were negative were false. (Both cases are rare.) Untreated chlamydia can live in the body for years, according to an STI expert I spoke to for a similar question in a past column. It’s possible that one of you had chlamydia before getting together and the infection has persisted, though the longer you were together, the less likely this scenario is.

But obviously, it’s not that likely in the first place. The simplest explanation is cheating. Sex is how the vast amount of STIs are transmitted (hence the name). Your husband may have gone to a spa on a business trip, but my hunch is that he did more than just that. Let him know how unlikely transmission was by his claimed means and judge him based on his reaction. Things to look out for: combativeness, defensiveness, and insistence. All would qualify as red flags.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

How intense are men’s orgasms? My husband just told me that he’s only seen stars, so to speak, a few times in his life. Most of the time, yeah, it feels nice in the genitals, but it isn’t earth-shaking, whole-body tremors.

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