Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband “Todd” and I (we’re both men) have a mutual friend, “Wendy,” whom we’ve known since college. Seven months ago, Wendy was over at our place hanging out with Todd and having some wine. Apparently they had too much, because they ended up sleeping together. I was annoyed, but Todd and I frequently bring other guys in for some fun, so I was willing to overlook it. Then, a few months later, Wendy called.
She’s pregnant, and now things are complicated. Wendy is married, and she and her husband have spent more than three years trying to conceive with no luck. She isn’t sure whether Todd or her husband is the father. It won’t be long before the baby is here, and the three of us are at a loss as to what to do.
Wendy’s husband has no idea about her moment of weakness; Todd would love to be in the child’s life if it’s his. Would the best option be if we all kept our mouths shut and my husband and I just play the role of fun uncles once the baby arrives?
—Oops Baby
Dear Oops,
The fetus that Wendy is carrying will soon be a person, and that person deserves to know who their biological father is. Luckily, Wendy can find out this information right now, while she’s still pregnant. She should to talk to her doctor about getting a non-invasive paternity test using a blood draw from her and a cheek swab from Todd. It’s 99 percent accurate, there is no threat to the pregnancy, and the results will inform your next steps.
If the baby isn’t Todd’s, then sure, you can play the role of fun uncles and no one ever has to know that Wendy and Todd ever slept together.
But if the baby is Todd’s, keeping your mouths shut isn’t an option. The child will need to know that Todd is their biological father, which means that Wendy’s husband needs to know that it isn’t him. It’s possible that Wendy’s husband will leave her when he finds out that she’s carrying Todd’s baby. It’s also possible that he will decide, like you, to overlook her dalliance with Todd and treat their tryst as an unorthodox sperm donation.
Either way, if Todd’s the child’s biological father, then you, Todd, and Wendy (and maybe her husband) should contact a family planning counselor and a family law lawyer to talk about next steps. (Your local LGBTQ+ center will be able to connect you with experienced and affirming professionals in your area.) They can help each of you understand your options for moving forward as well as your rights and obligations. Todd and Wendy will both have some decisions to make. It’s still possible that you and Todd can be the fun uncles, even if Wendy’s baby is biologically his. But that’ll have be in writing with a legal agreement. The child must know that that their “fun uncle” is their biological father. Good luck.
—Logan
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My wife and I, both women, have one child, who is now 5. We used a sperm donor from a federally licensed bank, to ensure our legal parental rights. I conceived and carried the baby, and both our names are on the birth certificate. Here’s the thing: A couple of months ago, I brought up with my wife the prospect of finding our kid’s donor siblings. She wasn’t crazy about the idea.