How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’ve used an intrauterine device (IUDs) as birth control since becoming sexually active (yes, they’re excruciating to get in; yes, they’re worth it for the set-it-and-forget-it nature and efficacy). During that time, I’ve had two long-term male partners, who shared similar issues.
The first felt the IUD several times during sex. I had my doctor snip the strings shorter. This did not help. It still poked him, and he even bled once. My second long-term partner (and current husband) had the same issue. I got a new IUD and kept the strings long since they’re supposed to “curl up.” Didn’t help. It wasn’t every time we had sex. But it happened often enough that we had to be cautious about me being on top, and we had to stop sex a handful of times because he was in pain.
This is moot for us at this point, as I had my IUD removed a few months ago, and now I’m pregnant (yay!). My husband was so excited to have sex without the IUD and said now he could finally relax during sex. Suffice it to say, I won’t be getting another IUD post-pregnancy. I’m considering the (squishy silicone) NuvaRing instead. But I was curious if you’d heard of this happening with others. Doctors assured me that “men don’t feel IUDs during sex,” as if it were always 100 percent true. But I’ve got two men who can attest that’s not the case.
—The IUD Poke
Dear the IUD Poke,
I have heard of this—specifically, from a sexual partner when I had my own IUD. Fortunately, the strings never hurt him, much less made him bleed, but they were occasionally sensorially present, as it were. One OB-GYN confirmed the possibility of strings poking penises to the publication Health, as well.
Doctors, by and large, are doing their best based on the information available to them. They are, however, human, and therefore as prone to biases and blind spots as the rest of us. Given the wider backdrop of a massive loss of trust in the medical system as of late, not to mention the stunning amount of conspiracy theories circulating in recent years, this is a tricky subject to address. The uncomfortable fact remains, though, that sometimes doctors are both incorrect and express those incorrect beliefs with absolute, 100 percent certainty. Yes, it’s really frustrating as a patient.
But other doctors are complete nerds about their job and happy to give you nuance and fun facts. If you get one of those—you can usually spot them by the way their eyes light up when you ask for a bit of context, or a tendency to provide a bit of context without being prompted—and you have extra time at the end of an appointment, that’s likely to be a good opportunity to ask any questions that are unrelated to your visit but still within their specialty, such as, “Really, seriously, what are the chances my husband might feel my NuvaRing?”
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
I have been in a relationship now for about a year. Mostly things are great: We look at life the same way, and we both enjoy sex a lot. He is sensitive in bed and also rough when I need him to be and we are really getting to know each other’s preferences and growing closer. But we’re also having sex less and less, and this is because I have started to see it as a chore. This has entirely to do with the length of our sexual encounters.