Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday only for Slate Plus members.
Hey Prudence,
Re Not Sure What to Do: I want to add an anecdote that may relieve some of his guilt. At my own recent wedding, it was important to my mother that my bridesmaids’ dresses, hair, and makeup all be paid for (there were only two, so it was pretty reasonable to do so). Her reasoning was that your wedding party is doing YOU a favor, and shouldn’t be expected to pay hundreds of dollars out of pocket for that privilege. While it’s certainly more common for bridal parties to be expected to foot the bill today, it seems like this expectation might have been different in the past.
—Bill Me for Your Dress
I’ve definitely had people pay for my hair and makeup when I was in their bridal party. So this is a possibility. I would love to hear about what’s revealed if the letter writer does bring up the topic with his friend. Not Sure What to Do, if you’re reading this, write back with the update!
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Hey Prudence,
Re Damned Either Way: One thing Damned Either Way (and others) might consider is that women are often socialized against directly and explicitly asking for what they really want, or even asking for anything at all. I’d be willing to bet money that somewhere along the line, the letter writer’s wife got the message—from family, friends, media, or just observing human behavior—that it’s preferred for women to demure. Because if she doesn’t, she risks being labeled demanding, thought of as “too picky,” or any number of unfortunate double standards that kick in when women are assertive. It really is a minefield (we, too, are damned either way)!
This thinking may be so ingrained in the wife’s psyche that she may not even be aware of it. If the LW hasn’t already, I suggest he tell his wife that he is OK and comfortable with her asking for specific gifts. Then, follow through. And by that, I don’t mean buying it. I mean, don’t give her a hard time; don’t talk about the cost, or laugh, or otherwise make her feel embarrassed for her honesty, just accept that she’s asked for it. I think if more partners made this a habit, they would see their significant other become more comfortable with voicing their needs.
—Express Yourself
This is definitely important context. I do think the wife going out of her way to say, “Don’t get me anything,” went a step past being demure and not asking for what she wanted. But it may have come from the same conditioning you’re talking about.
Hey Prudence,
Re Aunt in Oregon: Invite Tiffany along on your trip with the following rules:
The plans won’t change.
Everyone on the trip is subject to your rules and discipline.
No bullying.
From the time the car/RV door shuts until it opens when you all get home, no phones.
—Spiffy
I like this, but I don’t know that I’m willing to put as much faith in Tiffany’s behavior. If she goes on the trip and breaks the “no bullying” rule, the other kids will be the ones who suffer, and Aunt in Oregon won’t really be able to do anything about it.
Hey Prudence,
Re In the Will: Prudie, I am disappointed you directed the letter writer toward one of the more vengeful options available. Does In the Will still want something from her ex? This is leverage to get a handwritten apology or attorneys’ fees, if she wants “justice.” Does she want to respect her ex-mother-in-law’s rejection of this other woman? Give the jewelry to the cousins. Is she worried he’ll sell the jewels and pocket the money? Ask for the market rate and donate the proceeds to a charity for women leaving abusive relationships.
My take: Return the jewelry for free. Add some kindness to the world, and don’t let this take any more of your time.
—This Will Should Be Paired With Grace
OK, you have a point. I brought my personal propensity toward grudge-holding and the assumption that everyone could use some extra money to my response. I didn’t think she should give up valuables to someone who treated her terribly, just because he asked! But if the letter writer isn’t pressed for cash, your options are good ones and might leave her feeling a lot better about herself.
Hey Prudence,
This is in response to Not Mr. Moneybags: You forgot one other possibility, that this request is a scam. Someone he has never met or spoken with is asking for money? As a former fraud investigator, this is flashing huge warning lights for me. The letter writer and her husband first and foremost need to make sure this is legitimate.
—Seen This Before
Oh wow. This is such a good point. As the person in the office who always falls for the emails our IT department sends out to test whether we’re being careful about clicking on scam emails, I appreciate your awareness.
Hey Prudence,
Re Tired in Texas: I dealt with a difficult sister-in-law, and I can tell you what is happening here. The sister-in-law, no matter how dramatic, feels left out. Tired in Texas probably has left out her sister-in-law at different times. Then, when Tired in Texas got in a real car accident, the sister-in-law flipped out.
The solution is not to hope her brother divorces the sister-in-law. That will probably not happen. The solution is to treat the sister-in-law like a human being. It sounds like Tired in Texas has an embarrassment of riches with her big family and close mother. She does not know loss. She is in a bubble. The problem with this is that when death comes knocking on her door someday, and her parents pass away, she won’t know what to do or how to handle it. Tired in Texas has no empathy. She can cut back on seeing her sister-in-law, obviously. But she is most likely not going to get rid of the sister-in-law. She needs to learn to be a grown-up and have some empathy for other people.
—I Have Empathy for Tired in Texas’ Sister-in-Law
I appreciate your empathetic approach. It’s definitely worth a shot! But I also have a gut feeling that the sister-in-law will not be easy to please, even if she’s treated with extreme kindness.
Classic Prudie
My future mother-in-law would like to wear her wedding dress to our wedding. I’m less concerned about the dress and more concerned about what this says about our future relationship. She is a very kind, considerate person, and I am certain that she knows this is not a very nice thing to do.