Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband and I have a fruit and vegetable garden in our backyard. The strawberries are ripe right now, but over the last couple of weeks we noticed them disappearing. A review of our security cameras revealed our next door neighbor’s 7-year-old son, “Will,” sneaking into our yard while we were at work with a bowl, filling it up and taking off. A conversation with Will’s parents about the thefts resulted in nothing but them cursing us out and slamming the door in our faces. Then my husband took things into his own hands.
Last Friday, he stayed home from work and waited behind one of our hedges. When Will appeared and made for the strawberries, my husband stood up and blasted him with the hose. Now Will’s parents are furious and threatening to sue. I’m as annoyed by our strawberries being stolen as my husband, but wasn’t this going too far?
—Wet Willy
Dear Wet Willy,
Yes, your husband went way too far. He didn’t just cross the line—he obliterated it.
A 7-year-old was stealing strawberries from your garden, perhaps even at his parents’ behest. Your husband’s response was to take a day off work, hide in the bushes, and ambush him with a hose. That’s not protecting your property; that’s a grown man planning and executing a physical confrontation with a small child over produce. What if the child had fallen and hit his head? What if the spray took his eye out? What if he’d been so startled he’d run into the street? Your husband was so focused on teaching this kid a lesson that he didn’t think about what could go wrong.
The question I wish your husband had asked himself before heading out with the hose: Would you want a neighbor to treat your child or grandchild this way? If some kid took fruit from someone else’s yard and that homeowner hid in the bushes and blasted them with water—would you think that was reasonable? Or would you be furious that an adult ambushed and frightened a small child instead of handling it like a grown-up?
Here’s another way this could have played out: First, your husband should have talked to Will directly. The day he stayed home, when Will showed up? He could have walked out calmly and said, “Hey buddy, these are our strawberries. You can’t take them without asking. Stealing is wrong and it’s against the law. If you want some strawberries, come knock on our door and ask permission.” Would a 7-year-old have listened? Maybe, maybe not. But you talk to the child first before escalating to parents.
The shame of getting caught might have been enough to put the kibbosh on the pilfering. If not, then he could have talked to the parents—which he did. They cursed him out and slammed the door. That told you everything you needed to know about how their family handles these sorts of situations.
Next, your husband could have called the police non-emergency line or stopped by the local precinct. He could have explained that their neighbor’s child has been repeatedly trespassing and stealing, you have it on camera, and you spoke to the parents and they refused to address it. He could have then asked if an officer could speak with them. Many parents who blow off neighbors suddenly take it seriously when police show up. This also creates an official record if you need it later.
Finally, your husband could have installed a barrier—a fence, locked gate, or netting over the strawberries that a 7-year-old can’t easily get through. Deterrence is a beautiful thing, even if it costs you a little extra.
The thing you never, ever do? Hide in bushes and spray a child with a hose.
Can they sue? Yes. Depending on your state, they might have a case for assault (spraying someone can meet that definition) or intentional infliction of emotional distress, even if your state has a “stand your ground” law. Even if they don’t win, defending your husband will cost you money, time, and stress. They could also file a police report, creating a record of your husband physically confronting their child.
Before you do anything else, consult with an attorney. The neighbors are already threatening legal action, which means anything you say—including an apology—could potentially be used against you in court. Your attorney may advise that a carefully worded statement is the right move to defuse the situation, or they may tell you not to communicate with the neighbors at all. Follow their guidance. Morally, your husband owes them an apology for how he handled this. Legally, you need to be strategic about if and how that apology happens.
I don’t know what your relationship was with these neighbors before the strawberry thievery started, but it’s probably toast now. So, install a physical barrier and document everything going forward. If the trespassing continues, call the police and let them handle it.
Your husband was angry and wanted to scare a kid into behaving. But the adult response to a misbehaving child whose parents won’t help is to talk to the child, then create boundaries and involve authorities—not to lie in wait and attack him with a hose.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
My husband is a man of excellent character. We don’t keep secrets from each other; we even share our passwords. We’ve been together four years and married for one. A month ago, my best friend, who is quite large-chested, stayed the night at our house. The three of us had quite a bit to drink. In the morning my husband sat me and my friend down and made a confession. He said he had put his phone in her bedroom hoping to make a video of her getting undressed, but he forgot to hit the record button. He said he was telling us because he felt so guilty and that he was sorry that what he intended to do was so super creepy.