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Dear Pay Dirt,
Several of our friends have kids getting married in the next year. My wife and I disagree on how to approach the wedding gifts. I think her approach is wrong!
We are invited to all of the weddings, except for one, which will be a small destination wedding with no friends of the parents invited. I think we should give all of the couples the same gift, a check for a few hundred dollars (we haven’t decided yet on how much, but I think probably $200). My wife thinks that we don’t need to give a gift to the couple who is having the small destination wedding, since we aren’t invited. But I don’t think that matters; we aren’t being “snubbed,” they’re just choosing as a couple to have a different kind of wedding. I care about these friends and their kids as much as any of the other ones, and I think it is the right thing to do to give them the same gift. My wife really thinks this isn’t right and that giving them the same gift without attending the wedding is rude, somehow, to us. I understand her feelings are hurt, but it is important to me to be equitable here. How can I convince her that my plan is best?
—Wedding Gift Issue
Dear Wedding Gift,
It sounds like this isn’t really about the wedding gift but about the fact that your wife feels hurt that she wasn’t invited to this destination wedding. If you want to convince her that your plan is best, you’ll do well to address that first and foremost.
But etiquette-wise, you’re right. It’s not like the other couple is snubbing you. They’re just having a smaller wedding and prioritizing what’s right for them. Wedding gifts can feel transactional sometimes, but like you said, you care about these people, and that’s why we give people gifts, isn’t it? It makes sense to me, but if the real issue is that your wife is upset, it’s probably not a good idea to keep leading with this.
So start with her feelings instead. Approach the conversation with something like, “I understand why you would feel off about this. I’d still like to give a gift that’s more reflective of our relationship with them than their wedding choices, though. Can we find something we both feel good about?”
Once she feels understood, there’s a good chance your wife will be more open to the idea of being generous. If not, maybe there are some compromises you can suggest, like sending a gift card instead, or gifting the destination couple a slightly smaller amount. No one loves compromising, but if the two of you are truly at a standstill, it may be the only way to honor your desire to be generous while still respecting the fact that your wife feels a little salty about being snubbed.
—Kristin
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