Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I was recently a bit taken aback by my 4-year-old’s sports class.
She has done it for years, and it has, until now, just been about the joy of moving your body. But now it’s shifting more into deliberate skill building and direct-but-kind critical feedback. So, what is the appropriate age for kids’ activities to start to include some amount of pressure and stakes, rather than purely for fun? I’m talking about stuff along the lines of formally testing them on skills and letting them know if they passed or failed. And let’s say the kid in question is of average sensitivity, meaning not unphased by failure but also doesn’t become hugely distressed by it. Also, I mean concrete, non-life skills (think “do a forward roll”) rather than skills like listening and following directions. I’m looking for a gut check on whether this is a developmentally appropriate time to introduce an element of needing to actively work on extracurriculars in this way, or if this would be considered a bit young for all that.
—Wasn’t Ready for This
Dear Wasn’t Ready for This,
The key here is that your 4-year-old—although still young—has been playing her sport for years. Unlike someone her same age who might be starting the sport for the first time, she and her peers might be ready for the next level. So while these skills tests may be too much for other kids her age, they are a way to see if she’s understanding and growing.
It sounds like she might be in gymnastics, which is a sport that starts extremely early for a reason: It’s tough, and kids who build physical and mental strength early often can go on to be extremely successful in it. Even if you don’t care whether your daughter is ever competitive, which is totally normal, learning how to set and achieve goals builds confidence. On top of the physical benefits that come from moving your body with intention, it feels good to get better at things!
So, while this pressure might be a bit of a surprise, if your kid is at a gym you trust, let her try! If you see any signs that it’s becoming too much for her, you can always seek a more beginner-level class or team.
—Arionne
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