Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband, “Mike,” and I have two kids, “Jackson,” 5, and “Daisy,” 3. With spring here, we decided that a vegetable garden would be a fun family project. However, it’s brought out something in Mike that I don’t care for. We’ve been combating the snails and slugs that have been after our young plants, and Mike has made a game with the kids that involves dropping the slugs and snails into a yogurt container filled with salt. I’m not a fan of the little bastards, but I don’t think torturing them to death sets a good example. My husband says I’m making a big deal over nothing and “they were going to die anyway.” Who is right?
—Melting Misgivings
Dear Melting Misgivings,
You probably already know this, but Mike’s a shithead for this. He’s not only taken a fun outdoor family activity and ruined that for you (and the snails), but he’s also blown a wonderful opportunity to teach your children about compassion.
Yes, snails are pests that will destroy your family garden, but that doesn’t mean he gets to make them props for his weirdo Eli Roth fantasy. If he has a problem with your request, instruct the kids to pour a bucket of Morton’s salt on his head while he’s sleeping. Or, you know, ask him for some common decency and to consider the future emotional well-being of your children. We don’t need more sociopaths in this world.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My parents were binge drinkers whose benders frequently left me caring for my two younger siblings (and them) throughout my childhood. While other kids were playing video games and soccer, I was changing diapers and cleaning up vomit. When I was in my early 20s, they had a come to Jesus moment after a near-fatal car accident and sobered up through a 12-step program. They apologized to me and my siblings for everything they put us through, and I have maintained a cordial, if not entirely close relationship with them.
My husband and I have a son who is now 19 months old. The trouble is that within the last few months, my parents have become friends with another couple who are very much into wine and they are now drinking “a few glasses” when they socialize with them several times a month. They claim that is the extent of their alcohol consumption, but I’m terrified they are going to lapse back into their old habits. I refuse to be their caretakers again or expose my son to drunken behavior. I’m ready to tell my parents that if they continue with the supposed social drinking they can forget being in my son’s life. Considering the propensity for alcoholics to relapse, my ultimatum is within reason, isn’t it?
—Never Again
Dear Never Again,
The problem with your ultimatum is that it could harm you more than your parents: it becomes your stress, your anxiety, your anger that you’re forced to tote around, all the while they’re enjoying civilized wine-drinking with their fancy new friends who do not understand the perilousness for your family.
You have all the war wounds from a childhood—and now an ADULT childhood—trying to fix a situation that can’t be fixed.
Given all the circumstances and history of your parents’ drinking here, yes, it’s completely reasonable for you to feel like, for your safety and sanity, they can’t see your son anymore.
However, even if they do promise to stop drinking after the ultimatum, who’s going to be in charge of enforcing that? Probably just you, and when that happens, you’re their unpaid, emotionally-abused caretaker once again.
My suggestion: If you feel this strongly about them staying away from them while they’re out playing “normal drinkers,” then just skip the ultimatum altogether and detach from them completely until you’ve figured out a relationship that works best for you. Your happiness is the priority here—let them figure out their drinking issues whenever they’re ready to. In the meantime, find some peace.
—A.J.
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My sister-in-law, “Kate,” is very protective of my 8-year-old nephew, “Adam,” to the point that she still sometimes treats him like he’s 3. To be clear, he doesn’t have any developmental/ behavioral/neurodivergent diagnoses; he might be a bit on the sensitive side, but it’s honestly hard to tell if that’s just who he is, or the result of Kate treating him the way she does.