Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Last summer I was hugely pregnant and driving my small decade-old sedan, which was getting old but was still perfectly functional. It was also totally paid off. My husband was driving his much newer sporty car and still making payments. At the time, we debated upgrading my car for a mini SUV because we were about to have two kids and neither of our cars fit all the baby gear we were going to need.
So my husband totaled his car in an accident, his fault. I suggested this was the time to upgrade to a mini SUV for the family. He wanted another sporty car. We fought about this for months. Finally, we both decided that the mini SUV made the most sense and used the insurance money and a bit of savings to pay for it in full so we wouldn’t have any car payments at all. Because I’m a stay-at-home mom, I would drive the bigger car for all the kid-related stuff and he would take my smaller car to work.
The smaller car is totally functional and not “girly” or ugly or anything. But he has since become convinced that he “deserves” a better car and has now been taking the SUV to work, often just moving the car seats and not even telling me. There it sits in a parking lot for the entire day, with all the baby gear like the stroller! To make matters worse, the smaller car’s bumper became partially detached a few weeks ago and we had to bungee-cord it while we decide what to do. So not only am I driving the car that doesn’t even fit the stroller, I can’t even safely get on the freeway in case the bungee cords come undone.
What do we do here? He’s convinced that the smaller, older car undermines his authority at work and that people will make fun of him. I told him to grow up and stop caring what other people think!
—Need My Mom Car
Dear NMMC,
Maybe the thing that really undermines your husband’s authority at work isn’t driving a hooptee. Maybe it’s being kind of a self-centered dickbag. Try as I might, I cannot think of any other explanation or justification for what you’ve described here. He lost his sports car due entirely to his own actions, which he admits. Then he was willing to fight with you over the principle that despite being the parent of a newborn he needs another sports car. Then when you were finally able to convince him that this makes literally no sense, he somehow feels justified in secretly taking from you, the person at home with his children, the only vehicle in which you can safely transport his children?
If he wants a sports car, he must save his money and buy a sports car. If he wants to drive the SUV, he should stay at home with the children where he can enjoy all the SUV driving his heart desires. But until then, he will drive the hooptee and he will like it. If his little friends tease him on the playground—I mean, in the breakroom—he can just explain that he’s driving this car because he loves his wife and children and would very much like for his marriage not to end.
—Carvell Wallace
From: Why Won’t My Grown Daughter Answer My Texts? (February 9th, 2018).
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have two girls, ages 5 and 1. Since becoming a parent, I have been interested in reading books about parenting and child development. I truly enjoy parenting my two girls and am always “trying to figure it out”—what’s best for my kids, what’s best for me, what’s best for our family, etc. I in no way think I have all of the answers but I am enjoying the journey of figuring it out with my kids.
My issue is my older sister. She is three years older than I am but my entire life has acted like she is years and years wiser. She has three kids, ages 11, 7, and 1. I wince when I think of the “parenting voice” she has continued to use on me over the years when she thinks I am doing something wrong. That said, I have come to understand that she has no idea how offensive and grating this is.
Most recently, my husband and I were talking about watching our daughter during group sports. We’ve both noticed that she tends to be shy and reserved, holding back a bit. We want to help her without making her self-conscious, but don’t really know how. So we were talking—there were a bunch of people present—about how we might be able to build her self-confidence. My sister laughed at us and said, “You guys are such rookie parents! Stop watching her do everything.” My husband and I both felt this was incredibly dismissive and condescending. We both responded, telling her that we’re simply observing our daughter playing a sport! But how do you recommend responding to these types of comments? I’ve told her many times that I find her to be condescending, but she tends to be defensive or offer one of those “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” empty apologies. Unfortunately, I have only one sister, and my kids adore their cousins (as do I), so I would like to maintain a relationship with her. However, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to do so when she continues to be so condescending and authoritative.
—A “Rookie” Parent
Dear ARP,
Your sister is not going to stop being a jerk about this. If you want to maintain a relationship with her, you are going to have to learn to stop letting her get under your skin. Ignore her. You’re not getting anywhere telling her you don’t like it when she’s condescending (you may in fact be egging her on; she may be treating you this way because she knows it annoys you: Some sibling habits die hard). But no matter what’s driving her officious, supercilious, entirely unwelcome remarks about your parenting, it’s time for you to swat them away like the pointless irritants they are. Try rolling your eyes. Or completely changing the subject. Or saying something sarcastic (“Oh, goodness, why didn’t I think of that? That’s brilliant”), or pretending you’re grateful (“Gosh, Sis, thanks, that’s such helpful advice”—which, you may note, is almost indistinguishable from sarcasm; it’s all in the tone of voice). Try whichever technique feels most natural to you. Or try them all, one at a time, and see what sticks. But whatever you do, stop taking her criticism to heart! She is not, as you well know, the boss of you. Tell that to your own inner parenting critic.
—Michelle Herman
From: My Husband and I Never Have Sex, and I Couldn’t Be Happier. (October 11th, 2020).
Dear Care and Feeding,
I just got home from a weekend visit with my close friend, her husband, and two sons (aged 3 and 1). We have been friends for more than 20 years and visit each other regularly. This time, the just-turned-3-year-old was in a tantrum-throwing stage … about pretty much everything. It was an extremely uncomfortable weekend, though not because of the tantrums (I recognize that the developmental stage he’s at comes with big emotions that he doesn’t yet know how to handle), but primarily because of the parenting style of my friend and her husband. Many times in the two days, I witnessed one parent tell the kid one thing (no to a specific snack, short timeout for intentionally hitting his brother, TV must wait until after a physical activity), only for the other parent to override/ignore the first (gave him the snack, read him a book during timeout, turned on the TV).
As someone who has never raised a child (I miscarried), I recognize that I have no right to offer advice on child rearing. But would it be OK if I politely suggested that things might possibly be easier if the parents operated on the same page and supported each other? My friend is a very open-minded person who is great at both giving and receiving advice. If it is appropriate for me to say something to her, what exactly do I say? Or do I just keep my mouth shut and be grateful that I live a few states away? I have no intention of hurting my friend’s feelings. Quite honestly, both she and her husband seemed so stressed out and tired, I just want to kindly share my observations with the hope that their lives could be a bit less stressful if they operated as a team. I just don’t know if/how I should tell her, or if I should let it go.
—Wanting to Help
Dear Wanting,
I know you mean well, but there is absolutely zero chance that your friend doesn’t already know that “if the parents operated on the same page and supported each other,” things might possibly be easier. If they could do that right now, they would be doing it. Wading into their marriage and child-rearing quagmire will do nothing to help them but may well damage your friendship irreparably.
I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again: Never give advice to anyone who hasn’t asked for it, about anything. Ignore the little voice in your head that tells you that you know something your friend/sibling/parent/colleague/neighbor doesn’t—that you’ve got the magic words that will fix a problem that you can see for yourself would be so easy to solve if only they did what you told them to do! This has never happened in the history of the world.
Now, if your friend calls you and says, “I’m at my wits’ end, Wanting. You’ve visited me! After the two days you spent seeing what we’re dealing with, do you have any ideas about how we could do a better job raising our older child?”—then fire away. And let me know. (Because never in the history of the world have I heard of such a thing either.)
—M.H.
From: I Don’t Have Kids, but I Really Think I Can Solve My Friend’s Parenting Problems. (September 27th, 2020).
Classic Prudie
After a traumatic brush with death, I decided to take a long overdue look at my life. I quit my high-stress job and went to connect back to my roots. I moved home, have started seeing a counselor, and took up volunteering. My finances are large and stable. I have passive income from renting out my old home and living with my parents. Only my siblings seem to assume I only exist now to be the personal chauffeur for their children.