I Finally Asked My Son Why He Keeps Me Away From His Family. I’m Shocked That the Answer Involves My Wealth.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m a financially comfortable but lonely widow in my late 60s. My son and only child, “Christopher,” has been extremely distant ever since he graduated college, and especially since he got married. He didn’t even have a wedding to invite me to, and I’ve never met my 7-year-old granddaughter in person. I always just quietly accepted this because I didn’t want to be one of those parents who complain about their child cutting them off and who everyone assumes are abusive monsters. But when we spoke on the phone this past Christmas, I worked up the courage to ask him why. I was shocked when he told me he and his wife have always felt that I don’t care about them, because I’ve never helped them financially.

Christopher and his wife are both college graduates with decent jobs, and they get by all right, but it’s true that money doesn’t go as far as when I was their age. My granddaughter needed a surgery shortly after birth that they are still paying off, along with both their college loans. They live in a two-bedroom apartment, they’ve never taken a vacation, and they can’t afford even a dog or cat, though Christopher says his daughter wants one badly. She goes to a public school that does not challenge her and where shootings are a constant fear. They want to send her to private school but can barely afford to save for college. They also wanted to have another child but can’t afford to, and given my daughter-in-law’s age, that will soon be moot.

In a way, I can see how this might seem unfair. I had to work for only a few years between college and my marriage, but Christopher’s father left me in an excellent position. I own two homes: the five-bedroom house that Christopher grew up in and a smaller, three-bedroom beach house. I have two precious French bulldogs, who each cost more to keep healthy than a typical child. I buy a new car every other year, go on cruises once or twice a year, and have never had to shop at Walmart—all without touching my principal.

But I’m shocked that Christopher and his wife have chosen to resent me for these things, rather than to simply ask for money. Not that I necessarily would have said yes, but I would have appreciated having a choice! Meanwhile, my daughter-in-law comes from a poor immigrant family, yet they have a very close relationship with her parents, who watch my granddaughter every day after school. Apparently if you can’t afford to give them anything, they won’t expect it!

Now I feel like I have a choice. Would I be rewarding my son and daughter-in-law for being greedy and materialistic if I offered to pay off their debts, maybe send my granddaughter to private school, or even help them buy a house in a better school district, in return for more-frequent calls and the occasional visit? Or should I just write them off and leave my estate to the church?

—Dismayed at a Distance

Dear Dismayed,

It would be a shame to write off your son. Money issues are rarely just about dollars and cents. Money holds symbolic value for all of us, and to your son and his wife, financial support could be tied to emotional support, care, or even love. It’s easy to characterize them as greedy and resentful, but consider another explanation: Maybe, given all their struggles and your relative ease, he feels unimportant and neglected.

Money is a resource, and it seems to be one that’s readily available to you, so I can see why your son is interpreting your lack of financial help as a lack of care. He and his wife might not expect the same from her family because they support them in other ways, using other resources, like time and child care—both of which are immensely valuable.

I’m not saying this assumption is right or wrong, merely that there’s a major lack of communication between the two of you. You obviously care for them and have sympathy for their circumstances, but he doesn’t seem to know that. Also, you mentioned that your son distanced himself from you after college—that’s a long time to go without knowing why things weren’t great between the two of you.

It’s time for both of you to get to the bottom of this estrangement. Before you make any decisions about what to do with your estate, talk to your son without holding judgment or making assumptions. Ask him why he didn’t reach out to ask for financial help. Ask what that help would have represented for him. Ask how you can be a part of his life in the future, beyond helping out with money. You worked up the courage to ask why he doesn’t talk to you anymore, and you were shocked at the response. There’s probably a lot more here to uncover. Figure out what care means to him and what he needs from you to feel it. Chances are, it’s about not just money. Tell your son you care about him, you want to have a relationship with him, and work up the courage to keep digging.

Dear Pay Dirt,

Twenty-one months ago, a beloved relative passed away, leaving behind her 20-year-old blind, incontinent foul-tempered dog “Emma.” Emma was the most important thing in the world to my relative, and she allotted her remaining money to keep Emma well taken care of in a luxury facility for medically fragile pets. This has been ideal for my family (her closest living relatives), because we are cat people who live in another country and lack the time and skill to take care of a dog with such intense needs.

Unfortunately, my relative had only enough money to pay for 22 months in this facility. Because Emma is so old, we assumed that she would pass away naturally before hitting this point, but the dog’s caretaker assures us that she has several years left in her. Now we have a month to decide what to do next. The facility costs upward of $6,000 a month, and my family can’t afford to pay for it out of our own budget. It’s also not an option to put Emma down; it would be a betrayal of my relative’s memory, and we would feel guilty for the rest of our lives. Right now it seems as if the only thing we can do is adopt Emma, cover our floor in wee-wee pads, and administer her eye drops four times a day until 2028.

Is there another solution we haven’t been able to figure out? We don’t know of anyone who would be interested in adopting her, and she would suffer horribly if we surrendered her to a shelter.

—Dogged

Dear Dogged,

Have you looked into senior dog rescue groups in your area? Some cities have local sanctuaries for dogs just like Emma—older pups that need a lot of extra care and love in their final years. It might be tough to get into one of those rescues, but it’s worth a shot. Or try looking into a local “Seniors for Seniors” program, in which older dogs are matched with seniors looking for companionship too.

Could you talk to the facility’s staffers about your options? Maybe they would be willing to work out some kind of discount for you and your family—something more affordable since Emma has been there so long. Again, it might not be likely, but it’s worth a shot.

Transporting an older dog to another country isn’t ideal for you or for Emma. Is there someone in her country of origin, preferably someone you trust and who knew your relative, who might be willing to care for Emma in exchange for a monthly payment? This could cost you significantly less than the facility but still give you the peace of mind that the dog is being cared for.

If none of these options is doable, I guess it’s time to prep the pee pads. But even if you decide to adopt Emma yourself, you can look into services that can come and help you out when you need it. In the United States, the app Rover connects owners with pet care providers, for example. Maybe you could have someone come check on Emma during the day, change out the pee pads, and administer the eye drops. Again, it’s not an ideal situation, but it’s commendable that you’re willing to honor your relative’s wishes and care for their beloved pet. Just don’t forget to warn the cats.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I recently accepted a new role at my current company that requires my family to relocate from the U.S. to overseas. My husband and I are very excited about this: Living abroad has been on our wish list, so this opportunity makes it easy for us to check that box, and the timing is great, as our kids are still toddlers. He will be a stay-at-home dad, so we’ll have only one salary. (If it’s relevant, he’s a freelancer who makes inconsistent money, so for all intents and purposes we are now a one-salary household.)

The move is quick, though—I’ll need to relocate in the next three months—so we’re hustling to get things in order. One of the biggest tasks is downsizing. We will be moving from a house to a smaller apartment, and our house has so much STUFF that we will really need to slash and burn (figuratively speaking) a lot of our possessions.

While many items we own will be easy to part with, I’m having anxiety about some of the major or more expensive things. The tricky thing is, we don’t know how long we may end up living abroad. It might be for just a year or two, we may fall in love with the region and want to stay there forever, or something in between. The only easy decision so far has been to rent out our house.

But there are other considerations that aren’t as clear-cut. For example, our family car: I bought it used at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, when prices and interest rates were also low (1.9 percent!), and just finished paying it off last year. Looking at the Kelley Blue Book, it has retained its value quite well. If I sell it now but we come back in a year or two, I’ll likely have to pay a lot more for a different car. So do I sell it and stick the proceeds in a high-interest savings account until we figure out our long-term plan? Do I store it in my parents’ garage in the event we come back? But if I do that, I assume I’d still have to maintain insurance and registration on it, which seems like a waste of money.

The same debate goes for other expensive items, such as appliances and electronics, like our Mixmaster or large TV. I’m the kind of person who likes to use things until they can’t be used anymore (I drove my previous car for 20 years, until it fell apart), and many items we’ve had for years are in really good condition. The country we’re moving to has a different standard voltage, so it doesn’t make sense to bring them, but I hate the idea of selling them at a discount on Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace, having to buy new ones in our new country, and possibly needing to pay a premium to replace them again. Although I’m getting relocation assistance, my company adjusts salaries based on local market rates, and though the country we’re moving to has a low cost of living, salaries are equally low and housing is expensive. I doubt I’ll be able to put away much money, so if or when we come back, I don’t want to have to spend a fortune restocking my house with new appliances, furniture, and the like.

Is there another way to think about or approach this? Or do we just take the leap and clear everything out? In theory, we could always temporarily store things at our parents’ houses, but I’m loath to do that. I know that boxes will just stay there for years, and if we stay abroad for the long term I’ll never get to them. I still have unpacked boxes in my house from two moves ago!

—First-World (Move-Abroad) Problems

Dear First-World Problems,

If your car is paid off, still in great condition, and holding its value well, I’d probably keep it for now in your parents’ garage if that is indeed an option. Yes, you’ll still have to pay registration fees on it, but depending on how your state handles such things, you could opt for a Planned Nonoperation, a designation that stipulates that the car won’t be driven, stored, or parked on any public roads or highways for the registration year. That fee is usually much cheaper than standard vehicle registration.

Because your future is uncertain, I wouldn’t make any other big moves until you have a better idea of what things are going to look like. I get that you don’t like the idea of stuff just sitting around in boxes, but if you do end up moving back, you could spend a small fortune on a new TV, new appliances, and certainly a new car. If it doesn’t cost anything to store these items with your parents, I’d go that route. If that doesn’t work, you could always rent a small storage unit, which wouldn’t necessarily be that expensive month to month. You could also come up with a contingency plan for getting rid of the lot if you decide to stay longer after a certain amount of time. For example, anything that would cost you more than $100 to replace gets stored, and everything else has to go. Make a plan to revisit these items a year from now, when you have a better idea what the future holds. If you do decide to stay for a few more years, talk to your parents about what to do with these items. Would they be willing to sell them for you (out of either their basement or the storage unit)? Could you make a trip back home to handle it?

The other issue to consider is that you have only a few weeks to pack—trying to sell a bunch of appliances on Craigslist in that time frame, while you juggle everything else, doesn’t sound ideal. It would be a much more satisfying use of your time to say goodbye to friends and family and get excited for the big move.

My two cents: Store whatever you can, and come up with a concrete plan of action to sell the items in the event that you decide to stay abroad.

—Kristin

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