Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
My wife and I live in a quiet neighborhood, but for the past month, the peace has been shattered by a man who has been going around exposing himself to women who have been out alone. The police have been beyond useless—the dirtbag is always long gone by the time they arrive.
Yesterday we attended an HOA meeting in which neighbors shared their security cam footage of the perpetrator. Based on a distinctive tattoo I saw in a private place on the man’s body, I am 100 percent certain the guy responsible is my boss! I know because we’ve been in the same locker room in the company gym, and I recognized his tattoo. I haven’t told anyone about what I know, not even my wife. Should I confront him myself and tell him the flashing ceases or else I call to the cops, or do I go straight to law enforcement?
—Sicko Shutdown
Dear Shutdown,
Straight to law enforcement!
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Dear Prudence,
My mother-in-law is one of the cheapest people I have ever known. The worst is when we’re out at restaurants, particularly those all-you-can-eat places. She brings a purse nearly the size of a small suitcase filled with gallon Ziplocs that she fills up throughout the meal. I’m incredibly embarrassed by this; my husband says it’s something she has done his entire life and to ignore it. I’m worried one of these days she’s going to get busted. Is there anything I can do short of refusing to dine out with her?
—One Day She’ll Make Off With the Entire Buffet
Dear One Day,
Well, the idea that popped into my head before I edited myself was that you could whisper to the hostess or manager that you have a popcorn chicken and crab cake-related crime to report and discreetly gesture to your MIL. Then they (if they care enough) might come and confront her and scare her out of this practice. But … why? Her behavior can’t be that embarrassing. I’m sure she’s making an effort to conceal her to-go bags, and I doubt anyone else in the restaurant is paying that much attention. In fact, some of them are probably doing the same thing. So I kind of think you should just let her do her thing and save your protests for weightier issues—like “I will be driving your child around without a car seat when I babysit” or “I refuse to move to assisted living and would prefer that you meet my every need”—that might come up down the line. “
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Dear Prudence,
I’m pregnant with my second child, and it’s radically different from my first pregnancy. My parents somehow don’t understand that it means I can’t do as many things with or for them as I did before. I used to regularly help my mom clean their place; now my siblings and I chip in together for a weekly service and I just visit. I used to drive my dad on errands but he can drive himself, so right now I visit or help him arrange delivery instead. My family can’t and won’t go on the vacation together my parents want with a five-hour drive. My mom, especially, seems to have forgotten about what pregnancy is like. Every time something doesn’t go how they expect, it somehow has to be explained again. They always say they’re sympathetic, but the next time it comes up I have to explain it again. They don’t have memory problems, except for this.
In my first, I wasn’t in much pain until the third trimester. This time it’s harder. At 25 weeks, I’m having pelvic girdle pain so intense that I can barely sit, and it’s hard to focus on anything else but the pain. I’m a distance runner, a person who once had a broken bone for weeks that I assumed was a bruise, and I gave birth to our first kid without an epidural. I would say I have a decent pain tolerance. But this pain is all-consuming. My OB told me it was unfortunate but in the range of normal, and suggested Tylenol and posture support. A second opinion said essentially the same thing. My husband has been amazing taking on the things I suddenly can’t do, and helping take care of me. My friends have been amazing: helping with childcare, making us meals, so much. Even our 4-year-old understands “Mommy needs help with this” or “don’t sit on Mommy, pregnancy makes her lap hurt.” The most stressful thing in my life is the pain, and my parents constantly pushing me. How do I shut this down?
—Ouch
Dear Ouch,
As I read your letter, I sensed your need to justify or prove how much pain you’re in (You have a high pain tolerance! You didn’t have an epidural the first time you gave birth! You once pushed through a broken bone!). I believe all of these things, but I also want to say that even if you had low tolerance for pain, or even if you just really didn’t like doing things that felt physically uncomfortable, that would be more than enough reason to step back from being active and helping others in a way that was outside your comfort zone. I suspect you’re sensitive to your parents not accepting the situation because in some ways you’re not accepting it either.
You’re asking yourself “Why are things so hard this time?” and “Should I be suffering this much if my OB said my pain was in the normal range?” I’m sure your friends and husband are telling you this, but having a physical struggle isn’t a failure and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Your body is doing something incredible, and you need no excuse to live a bit differently while that happens.
But I know your parents are still driving you crazy and aggravating that part of you that wishes you felt stronger and better. I have a few ideas for how to manage them: 1) Come up with a simple statement about your situation that you can provide without launching into a repetitive explanation: “I’m not able to do anything but manage my pain until July,” or “I’m one step away from bedrest and only able to do the minimum” or “I need everyone’s help and patience while I try to get through this difficult pregnancy” or “I can’t put any extra stress on my body right now.” They might still not get it. If you’ve been cast in the role of the energetic, athletic, tough, competent person in the family who always shows up for others, a change may be a hard thing for them to process. But you can make sure you don’t have to say more than a few words at a time to remind them.
2) Tap into what you’ve learned from parenting your older child and imagine your parents as toddlers. Just like you have to remind him or her daily that we put shoes on before we leave the house, and food goes on a plate, not on the floor, you might need to accept that telling your mom and dad you’re in pain and not able to do what you normally do is going to be an ongoing project. Finally, 3) Think of this boundary—not doing things that are too much for you—as an investment in your post-pregnancy future. You may need to teach everyone that you also have needs and feelings and are going to have to put them first sometimes. I suspect this will come in handy when you have two children and your parents’ needs are increasing and the family has to figure out a way to manage that doesn’t rely on superhuman endurance and pain tolerance on your part.
Classic Prudie
My dad has just bought a house with his girlfriend, who is half his age, and moved in with her and her two elementary school–aged children. I have not met them, as they have been together less than a year. I will meet her over the holidays (while thankfully staying at my mom’s). I do not have a great relationship with my dad, but I love him and want to preserve the relationship we have, especially for the sake of my own young children.