Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here.
Dear Prudence,
I love my sister, but I can’t handle her divorce or her combative relationship with her ex. I knew they were having marriage problems, but they were in counseling and things were getting better. Her husband got a brand-new job out-of-state, and the plan was for my sister and the kids to follow once summer came. Instead, my sister sprung the divorce and the fact she had been having a yearlong affair with her boss. She was just waiting for him to leave his wife. No one saw it coming, especially her ex.
Now, he’s stuck making an eight-hour drive and staying with friends in order to see his kids. Whatever his faults, he is a devoted dad, but my sister is doing her best to poison her kids against him. The kids are 10 and 7 now. I heard my sister tell them that their dad “chose” to move far away and doesn’t want to be around because of his new girlfriend. They’ve gone to court multiple times because she fucks with the custody arrangement or does crap like sign the kids up for camp when it is their vacation to be with their dad. I live locally so I get a firsthand experience of this. The kids are confused and acting out at school.
I had a heart-breaking conversation with the oldest because they felt guilty that they didn’t want to call their new stepfather dad and asked if it was OK to still love their real father when though mom calls him a “bad guy.” I never particularly liked my ex-brother-in-law personally. He was loudmouth braggart, but he was a good dad. He didn’t deserve this, and the kids certainly don’t.
Lately, I offered my place as a neutral location for his custody time since I have a detached granny flat, he could stay in when he is here, and the kids already have a room in my main house. My sister and her husband were complaining about the instability of the kids staying at random houses or motels when their dad drove down. I would do the pick-up and drop-off so my sister and her ex didn’t have to see each other. (Last time they interacted, they made a scene at a mutual friend’s wedding and had to be asked to leave—he attended with his new girlfriend who was in her mid-twenties.) My sister was all for it and joked about me having to “suffer” his presence. It hasn’t been suffering. We rarely interact beyond handing off the kids or him helping me with some house maintenance (I broke my foot so he did yard work for me). Frankly, he is kinder and more grateful towards me now than he ever was while they were married. I am gay and lost my husband several years ago. We never had kids, so my sister’s are very near and dear to my heart.
I tried not to voice my opinion about her behavior until last week. Basically, she was venting about the new court order that the kids get counseling twice a week. She was on thin ice with the judge and was basically told she would lose majority custody if she didn’t. I said it would be good for the kids and should have been done from the start. My sister turned and accused me of “taking” her ex’s side. I told her the kids weren’t toys to be argued over and all this conflict was going to screw them up. Well, she accused me of having sex with her ex and said I always wanted to and that that is the reason that he stays over with me. I told her the court should order her to therapy because she was a crazy fucking bitch that was fucking up everyone’s lives. Especially her kids. She threw an unopened can of soda at my head. We weren’t drinking.
I told her to get the hell out. She left and pretends like nothing ever happened. I don’t know what to do. I have video footage, but if I testify, it will torture whatever relationship I have with my sister and end my involvement with her kids. What do I do?
—Family Flat Fiasco
Jenée Desmond-Harris: This isn’t a funny situation, but the clarification that “we weren’t drinking,” as if throwing a can of soda at someone’s head would be acceptable behavior by a tipsy person, made me laugh. Anyway!
I guess I will start by saying, this letter writer did a really kind thing for their nieces and nephews and obviously had a good heart. And also, this is outcome is the kind of thing we’re always thinking about when we say “mind your own business.”
Lizzie O’Leary: It is, and also, for the kids’ sake, I am glad the LW is there and able to offer some kind of stability. I don’t know what state you are in, LW, but family courts can appoint someone called a parent coordinator who can help with this process. They make sure that parents can communicate in a way that has the children’s best interest at heart (often on a court-monitored app if that is not already happening). Sometimes a judge can just make it happen, sometimes both parties need to consent.
You cannot stop your sister from being a destructive nutjob. She’s acting out and she is not your problem to solve. It’s awful, but there is nothing you can do.
You CAN try to help her kids by staying firm, neutral, and never saying anything negative about either parent, no matter how much you want to. They need to see the model of an adult who can be an adult and cope with their feelings. And I think it’s great that the kids are getting counseling. Many states have a children’s bill of rights, and it’s probably worth checking out if yours does.
I like the idea of the granny flat as a neutral, consistent space. Kids in a turbulent situation do best with as much predictability as possible. But that is a big emotional ask for you, and risks antagonizing your sister. Jenee, do you think our LW should butt out, or offer this space with some guidelines (possibly with support from the court)?
Jenée: I think it would have been a good idea to offer the space if they a) had good relationships with both the sister and the BIL, b) had a conversation about expectations and how it would work in advance, c) felt sure they nobody was going to be weird about it. But I just don’t think you get into anything involving shared living arrangements or real estate with loved ones who you don’t generally think are kind and reasonable. Even then, it’s tricky! So while it’s a nice idea for the kids in theory, a nicer idea is for the adults in their lives to not be throwing cans at each other.
I would say to take a big step back from this situation because the kids are better off with all the things you suggested, civility, and a bit of a visitation commute.
Lizzie: But the kids still seem to be seeking out the LW as a friend/ally/trusted adult. So maybe the move is just ice out the sister and when she inevitably makes contact, say you are more than willing to hang out with the kids but need some space from the whole rodeo? I am just trying to figure out a way that the LW can show the children that adults can be kind and emotionally regulated. And maybe that’s an impossible ask, I just worry about the damage being done to these children.
Jenée: This is true. If the LW can deal with the sister’s behavior (and wild accusations and violence), I know it would mean a lot to the kids. Well, this letter was kind of a downer! Sorry!
Lizzie: It’s OK! Families are complicated, even the ones that don’t throw a can at you (drinking or not).