How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I have been with my boyfriend “Arnie” for nearly a year, and this is the best relationship I’ve ever been in, save one thing. Last week, Arnie admitted he’s very into BDSM, specifically being a dom, and wants to introduce me to it. I grew up in an extremely abusive household. I know how much it would mean to Arnie if I could play the role he wants, but I just can’t. What’s a good way of letting him down easily?

—Not an Option

Dear Not an Option,

Any reason is a good reason to say no, but you have a particularly understandable one given your background. You should be straightforward with him: Because of your past, the kind of play he’s interested in would be too triggering. As of now, he should assume that it’s off the table indefinitely.

You can present this with love and compassion, literally reminding him of how much you value him and your relationship as well as how much you love him, and that while you understand what it would mean to him for you to be able to sub for him, it’s just not something you’re interested in. See how that lands.

He should not expect you to participate in any kind of sexual contact that would make you uncomfortable. If he pushes back, or even worse, attempts to pressure or coerce you, he’s telling you a lot about his lack of respect for your past and your feelings. This is a huge red flag. If he accepts what you say and keeps it moving, it’s a sign of respect. You could offer to open the relationship so that he can experience the kind of play he desires, but that’s a big step that requires a lot of communication and some degree of strategizing, so if you aren’t interested or ready for that conversation, it’s better not to go there. Just know that it’s an option.

Dear How to Do It,

I am a lesbian in my early 20s looking for some advice. My partner and I have been dating for around two years now, and, well… sex has been a major barrier for the better part of our relationship.

To be fair, we have a lot of cards against us in that department: We’re both autistic with significant sensory issues, and suffer from chronic pain. I am also on antidepressants that make orgasm a long and labor-intensive process. It wasn’t a problem at the beginning of our relationship, as the use of BDSM dynamics (which we both have previous experience in) really helped counteract the anorgasmia from my medications.

But about a year ago, our sex life dramatically dropped off. My partner began expressing that it was tiring for them to assume the “domme” role, and their sex drive all but vanished. Nowadays, we have sex maybe once every two to three weeks, and my partner only expresses interest in being on the dominant side of a scene every couple of months. I love them deeply, I’ve met their family and practically adopted their cat, and I feel like we could really have a future together. But I’m struggling with the idea that I may never experience a scene with someone who enjoys power exchange the way I do. I’ve only been able to reach subspace once with my partner, and I find myself craving it often. They offered to open our relationship a while back, but admitted they wouldn’t be very comfortable with the arrangement, and mostly offered out of guilt. So, what now? Do I really have to choose between a satisfying sex life and being with the person I love?

—Star-Crossed and Sexless

Dear Star Crossed and Sexless,

Life is full of tough choices. Sometimes we meet people who would be perfect for us, except… You can get caught up in fantasy, imagining how wonderful things would be if only you could tweak them ever so slightly, or you can face the hard truth that compatibility is sometimes beyond reason and optics.

With the latter path comes the option of acceptance. Maybe a relationship doesn’t hit every mark it would need to in order to be an ideal scenario, but it’s good enough to stick with. It’s quite possible that you will have a hard time finding someone else that you love deeply, whose family and cat you get along with (the cat part can be particularly hard—they can be judgmental animals). Good enough is better than bad, and it’s better than nothing. It’s a bar that many relationships can’t clear. Holding onto what you have is sometimes a great choice.

You have so much life ahead of you, though, and your 20s are about figuring out who you are and what exactly you want out of life and your partners. There is a good chance that there’s someone out there for you who is even more perfect for you than your current partner. But if you want to stick with this relationship, and it sounds like you do, your task is to figure out where you and your partner overlap sexually. If they are not into domming you, what are they into, and what else are you looking for besides subspace? It might be a good exercise for you both to write out what you are interested in sexually (both things that you know you like and things you are interested in trying) to see on paper just how compatible you are. A yes/no/maybe list like this one is a good place to start. Maybe they’ll write something down that you weren’t even thinking of but are nonetheless game for. Perhaps you’ll find that you intersect very rarely, and that itself will be instructive.

The relationship scenario you outlined—great in every area except for the sex—can be particularly conducive to open relationships. Together, maybe you assess that you have something good that you want to hold onto, but for now, the sexual tastes just aren’t lining up. It can be easy to compartmentalize when you know that you’re seeking outside contact for what your relationship will not provide. It was wise and compassionate of you to deny the opening-up offer when your partner expressed misgivings; if they wouldn’t be comfortable and are primarily motivated by guilt, you’re setting yourselves up for drama and strife. But I wouldn’t kill that conversation entirely just yet. Non-monogamy may be a good option for you, and it might even be worth venturing outside your respective comfort zones to see what it’s like when you’re actually practicing it and not just talking about it. You can move slowly and see how everyone feels, scaling back when necessary (or taking it off the table altogether if their discomfort remains fixed). At the very least, it’s worth talking about some more to see if you can figure out a way to experiment in that realm.

Your cravings for an enthusiastic domme are unlikely to subside. As long as you are in a situation where you don’t have regular access to your sexual interests, you’re likely to be sexually frustrated. Then it’s your job to manage that—or simply endure it, to which I say: Good luck.

Have Your Own Story to Share With How to Do It?

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for Slate Plus members. Write to us!

Dear How to Do It,

I started dating this guy, “Ron,” a few months ago. I really like him, and he’s my first ever boyfriend, so I’m trying to do right by him. But the other day, he told me that he didn’t like my blowjobs. He said I talked too much during them. I want to get better, but he didn’t give any positive feedback, and I’m not sure what to do.

—Communication Help

Dear Communication Help,

The feedback that Ron gave you may not have been positive, but it was potentially useful. If you want to give him the kind of blowjob that he wants, talk less or not at all when you’re giving him head. It really might be that easy. Granted, it doesn’t usually feel good when a partner tells us to shut up (even if said nicely), so I understand if you’re having a bit of trouble accepting this directive. It can come across as patriarchal, especially when a man gives this kind of order to a woman. But if you actually want to submit and follow the directions he’s giving you for the most satisfying blowjob as possible, try it his way: less talking, more sucking.

If you feel (or he says) that’s still not satisfactory, you should ask him for more specific guidance. You can do this in a nonsexual context, but it’s probably going to be easier for everyone if he guides you while you give him head. He may like deep throating, or not. He may have specific ways and places he wants you to lick him. Maybe his balls want attention. Maybe he wants you to jerk him off while you suck him. There are so many ways to give head, but the best way to do it is in line with the preferences of the person you’re giving it to (provided you aren’t being stretched too far outside of your comfort zone). If he wants better blowjobs, he should be asking for them with specificity. If not, prompt him for it and see where that takes you.

—Rich

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