Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Good Job,
My husband and I make the same amount of money, but in different fields. His job is 9 to 5 in an office. It has office politics, deadlines, and stressors, but no emergencies. He gets paid time off plus major federal holidays off. My job has longer hours, and it’s normal to work with distraught people daily. We offer some morning and evening times. I recently switched employers to a large religious nonprofit. Let’s say it’s Catholic, and my family isn’t. In a bid to combat burnout and honor their faith, we get their major and minor holidays fully off. I love it. But it’s sparked a weird fight with my husband.
Normally, I have a set schedule of which days I’ll be working early/late, and we have the meals and child tasks divided up about 40/60, him/me. I’d like it to be closer to 50/50, but this is OK. When I have days off that the family doesn’t, I maintain scheduled stuff, like it being my turn to cook dinner or prepare the kids for school. I tend to do a mix of life stuff, like car repairs and house maintenance, with vacation stuff like an extra-long gym workout or a short, solo beach day. I’ll usually squeeze in an extra grocery shop since it’s less busy.
My husband believes that if I have time off and he doesn’t, I should be taking on all the household responsibilities that day to make it fair. I feel like my vacation time is for recharging. It’s not like I’m neglecting our family or home on my vacation days; I’m just not devoting my entire time to chores. (Even if he’s scheduled to get the kids ready for school, I get up and join him. I don’t just sleep in.) Am I wrong here? How do we balance this?
—Perk Problems
Dear Perk Problem,
You are not wrong here. You are so not wrong here. We’ll get to some logistical suggestions in a minute, but first: Does your husband respect your career? I hope he understands that helping people in distress is generous, highly skilled, life-saving work. If you haven’t had a serious conversation with him about your profession and values lately, start there. Schedule a time, ideally out of the house and out of earshot of the kids, when you can remind him of why you took this job, what it means to you, and why you’re committed to it even though it can be unpredictable and draining. Thank him for his support and encouragement as you’ve built your career; tell him you appreciate his flexibility. (It’s manipulative, but in a good way, to thank someone for the behaviors you want to encourage.) Some of this may seem obvious to both of you, but it’s easy to forget fundamentals when you’re busy raising kids.
In either this conversation or a follow-up, tell your spouse that protecting yourself from burnout is necessary in your career, which is why taking days “off” is actually an important part of the job. Ask him to go over the distribution of household responsibilities with you. Does he agree that it’s a 60/40 split? Since he raised the issue of fairness, does he think that’s fair? This would be a natural time to push it closer to 50/50, but if you’re picking your battles, pick sticking with the schedule you have, even when you’re not reporting for work. Remind him that your employer offers these holidays to make the work sustainable, and you need to be able to recharge without guilt or complaints. Managing the burden of your work responsibilities also means you have more energy for your family. If he continues to grouse about your vacation days, remind him, with a lightly jokey tone if possible, that going to the beach is part of your job.
—Laura
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