Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Good Job,

I’m not sure how to handle a few friends who make unsupportive comments about my workplace’s increased return-to-office mandate. As a woman in my 60s who, before COVID, was doing a five-day-per-week, long, multi-leg commute, working primarily from home has significantly improved my health, energy, productivity, and ability to manage everyday life. Most friends understand and support this and are considerate, but a small group repeatedly dismisses my concerns—telling me to retire, “suck it up,” or insisting office work is better for collaboration and socializing, despite the realities of my workplace. In reality, my potential work friends live far from me, making after-hours catch-ups difficult, and our teams don’t always sit together due to a lack of desks and the aforementioned commute.

These same friends who dismiss me either don’t work or are self-employed and mainly work from home themselves. Yet, they expect me to accommodate meeting times that would require me to leave work early, travel late at night before early next day risings on office days, or take time off. They’re unwilling to adjust plans or meet halfway, and their comments often include digs about people “slacking off” or mothers taking time for school pickups. If I were to resign as suggested, and incur income loss whilst seeking new work, I couldn’t see some of them adjusting suggested activities and locations to accommodate my new budget.

I’ve tried explaining the real impact of increased commuting, correcting misconceptions, and changing the subject, but the comments continue. I’m looking for better ways to respond when these conversations keep happening despite my clear discomfort.

—Looking for Better Ways to Respond

Dear Looking for Better Ways to Respond,

Are you sure you want to stay friends with these people? They don’t sound compassionate, curious, kind, entertaining, or like they have any of the other qualities we look for in friends. If your shared history makes them worth the effort, try slightly sharper versions of what you’ve tried already: explaining, correcting, and distracting. If these “friends” cared to understand your situation and accommodate it, they would have done so already. So be frank enough to bump the conversation out of the ruts they’ve carved.

When someone tells you to just retire already (wow), say “I need the paycheck.” If they friend-splain your workspace to you, say, “You don’t know what my workplace is like.” If they expect you to come to late events on a weeknight, tell them you have to work in the morning. Then propose a different gathering that fits your schedule. Follow up each of these approaches with a change of subject: Ask people what they’ve been reading lately, if they have travel plans this year, if they’ve seen the latest news about the first treatment for Huntington’s disease, or how amazing it is that younger people don’t realize people used to smoke everywhere. It’s perfectly fine, though, to decide that these friends aren’t worth the aggravation, and to focus on your work relationships and your non-work friends who aren’t insulting or callous.

That said, could your friends just be exasperated with your work troubles? Complaining about work to friends is one of the reasons we have friends. But it’s possible to overdo it. They might be sick of hearing about your commute and don’t know how to help (much like the letter writer “Exhausted” Prudie replied to this week), and they genuinely think you would be better off retiring or trying to see the bright side of being in the office. If this might be the case, acknowledge it, apologize, and thank them: “I’m sorry I keep going on and on about my workplace. The commute interferes with my time with friends, so it’s tough on me. Thanks for your patience, and thanks for making accommodations for my schedule so we can get together.”

Dear Good Job,

I work at a dysfunctional and disorganized company that makes for a very stressful seven and a half hours a day. Honestly, if it weren’t for the patients and the need for income, I would have left if something better presented itself. There is way too much going on at the top, so reporting anything is literally like talking to the wall.

However, I just learned that one of the other assistants in our department has been receiving emails that our director is sending to them through their personal accounts. She has no business reading highly sensitive emails from our colleagues that are only meant for human resources, admin, and our director. Our director permits us to read her work emails in her absence in case patients’ families need to communicate with our department. And they do. This is how I happened to see that the email addressed to HR and our director was forwarded to our colleague’s personal email. Granted, it was already read by all, and my nosiness got the best of me, so I read it too. I am truly concerned about our privacy being violated and don’t know how to proceed or even if I should. What do you suggest I do or don’t do?

—Knows Too Much But Shouldn’t

Dear Knows Too Much But Shouldn’t,

Your workplace sounds super sloppy. You mention that you work with patients, which means the need for privacy is even greater than in most workplaces. It’s hard to tell from what you’ve observed whether this assistant is routinely being CC’d on sensitive messages to her private account. It’s possible she was involved in this particular patient’s care, and someone added her email address as a one-off, and accidentally used her personal one through auto-fill or something similar. That’s not great, but it’s possible this is not a systemic problem.

If your workplace has an employee handbook, see if it has any prohibition on using unsecure accounts for work business. (It should.) Go to your human resources representative and tell them you know this policy is being violated. If they’re not interested, try someone from your information technology department and ask if they’re concerned about security breaches. (They should be.) A functional HR or IT team will then circulate guidance on digital security and the consequences for mishandling HIPAA-protected communications.

If nobody seems to think this is a problem, well, you tried. You’re not central enough to this breach to have been harmed by it, so try not to let your frustration interfere with your own work. Assume that your own communications are not secure and that you can’t trust leadership to manage the workplace properly. Try to minimize the chaos in your own work realm, focus on the patients and your trustworthy colleagues, and look around for a job in a better-run organization.

Slate Plus members get more Good Job every week. Sign up now to read Laura Helmuth’s additional column this week.

Dear Good Job,

I’m scared that all jobs are terrible, and it’s making it really hard to want to be professional and try my best. I’ve been employed full-time for about five years at different places in a variety of industries (retail, food service, banking, nonprofits), and all the jobs have been bad. I don’t like to complain because I know I am lucky to be employed when so many are not, but it feels like every job I have had has been worse than the last.

Some were environments that I know were bad, like kitchens where I was sexually assaulted or screamed at for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Even the better ones, though, where I like my team and am not in danger, I end up working 60 hours a week or having to put up with inappropriate comments on my appearance with no recourse. I know part of it is that I don’t have a degree, and so I am in school right now. But past that, I don’t know what to do. Do I just have bad luck? Am I alone in this feeling? How can I avoid jobs like this when I don’t have the luxury of turning down an offer that seems “OK enough”?

—Not OK Enough

Dear Not OK Enough,

I’m sorry you’ve worked in such terrible places. Give yourself credit for recognizing that they’re toxic and escaping, even though the new jobs you escaped to were also terrible. You’re not alone in surviving abusive workplaces, but you do seem to have had bad luck. Let’s talk about how to turn your luck around when you search for your next job.

When you see a job opening that looks intriguing, check out the employer’s score on Glassdoor or other services that rate workplaces. Employers have ways to game the system, but you can often see the red flags there. Some local newspapers or magazines publish “best places to work” lists, so see if there’s one for your area. The methodology isn’t exactly scientific, but it might give you some ideas. Try to find a job with a union. It’s no guarantee of a humane workplace, but a union gives you some protection from overwork and abuse, and it suggests the staff has had a culture of solidarity.

You can’t usually tell from the outside whether a workplace is toxic, so find someone who has been on the inside. Use LinkedIn to find potential future colleagues and ask for their advice on joining the team. (Most people will ignore you, but some will reply.) When you interview for a job, ask the recruiter to tell you more about the work culture. If you get an offer, ask to speak with current employees to find out more about the job. (The recruiter may turn you down, but it’s fine to ask.) Use your school’s alumni network to connect with people who work or have worked for the employer you’re considering.

Eventually, when you do start a new job, build relationships with people who seem kind and knowledgeable, and ask them who to avoid and who to trust. Aim to become one of the people who welcomes new people, encourages colleagues who get overlooked, stands up to bullies, and makes the workplace culture more humane.

—Laura

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