Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.
Dear Prudence,
l have been in a long-term lesbian relationship with a wonderful person. Recently, l have discovered that l want to date men and no longer have an interest in women. As l pursue future relationships, how should I talk about my past one? I want to be honest, but l want to make sure any new partner knows l am committed completely.
—Starting Over
Dear Starting Over,
Take it from me, a person who reads a lot of letters about relationships for this column and also used to watch a lot of the television show Catfish: A person who is really into you will be inclined to accept almost anything you tell them. Love makes people believe preposterous things like “The reason we haven’t ever met each other is that my phone camera has been broken for seven years” and, “My wife and I are just roommates, we’re definitely going to divorce soon” and “Maybe I’ll decide I’m ready to commit in year 14 of our relationship.” So I have no doubt that if you are honest and transparent, the right partner for you will absolutely believe the entirely reasonable statement, “I used to be into women but now I’m into men.” So tell your truth. If a dating prospect doesn’t trust you to accurately assess and report your own attraction, he isn’t your person.
—Jenée Desmond-Harris
From: Help! My Friend Just Shared the Terrible Details of Her Marriage. I’m Not Sure I Believe Her. (November 13th, 2023).
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Dear Prudence,
What’s the classiest way to say “really and truly, do not bring your kids into my house, no matter how cool or mature they are”? We have this problem where we throw nice grown-up parties and our friends bring kids.
We’ve tried to be nice. First we changed the names to identify the nature of the party—“Fancy Cocktail Hour,” “Wine & Dine,” et cetera. That helped but didn’t fix the problem. So we got direct and included “please, no kids” on the invitation. We still get a few people at every party who bring their kids because their kids are cool, their kids are mature, blah blah blah.
It’s my house and I don’t want kids in it. It’s not childproof, and most people do not supervise their kids well. It also makes me intensely uncomfortable to have little kids at a booze-oriented adult party; I don’t care how much drinking and swearing they witness at home, it makes me uncomfortable to do those things in front of your child. (And yes, I’m totally judging you for getting drunk and cursing like a sailor in front of your child—is that really supposed to make me more comfortable with this arrangement?) As another party looms near, I dread having to waste anothe affair where I spend the whole time fretting over someone else’s kids.
—How to Throw a Grown-ups-Only Party?
Dear Grown-ups Only,
Subtlety is really overrated when it comes to getting what you want. Continue to write “please, no kids” on the invitations, and if you know any repeat offenders, call them and offer a reminder that you’re throwing a kid-free party. If after that any of your friends still try to bring a kid to one of your mixers, then I think you’ve got someone who is absolutely determined to provoke conflict on your hands.
—Danny M. Lavery
From: Help! My Friends Keep Bringing Their “Cool” Kids to My Adult-Only Parties. (February 26th, 2023).
Dear Prudence,
My dad got remarried last year. We have a surface relationship at best but it works for me, most of the time. I’ve set boundaries and it’s been working for the most part. His stepdaughter (I guess my stepsister) is getting married in an elaborate destination wedding. I sent an RSVP of no, and now I’m being pressured into attending and really want to skip. I met this woman once at my dad’s wedding. I have two young kids who aren’t invited and child care for days while I am away would not only be difficult to arrange but also expensive. My desire to spend my limited vacation days and budget on this affair is nil. It seems this is a boundary that isn’t being respected. What else can I say or do to make my dad understand I am not attending?
—Would Rather Stay Home
Dear Would Rather,
I have great news. Your dad does not have to understand. You don’t have to change his mind. The thing about having a boundary is not that you push and push and explain and explain until people say “I totally understand and respect that!” You just do what works for you and don’t debate it. He can be as disappointed as he wants, but the boundary is still there and you are still saving thousands of dollars and your vacation days.
—J.D-H.
From: Help! My Niece Refuses to Try My Solution for Her Poorly Behaved Kids. (February 22nd, 2023).
Classic Prudie
My 15-year-old daughter does exceptionally well in school, where she has many friends and is involved in extracurricular activities. However, outside of school and organized events in our community, she rarely spends time with friends. She prefers her own company, playing musical instruments, being at home with her dog and her family. When I ask if she wants to invite friends over or make plans to go shopping or to the movies with them, she says no.