Each month, How to Do It columnists Jessica Stoya and Rich Juzwiak ask readers for their thoughts on the letters they’ve received. In this edition, Rich replies to readers’ comments and suggestions below.
Hey How to Do It,
This is an update letter! You spent so much time on a co-written reply to my letter, I thought I would update you. I’m married! Just kidding. I do want to say that I am an original Rich Juzwiak fan. I’ve been reading you for at least a decade. Anyway!
It’s a sort of unsatisfying update because I still don’t really know what happened. I had that talk with him that I mentioned in my letter, where I told him I was going to give him space and leave it up to him to reach out. We saw each other semi-regularly (once a week), just running into each other, but other than inviting him to have a cup of coffee during the workday, I didn’t say much and never asked him out. Kind of as you both seemed to suggest, I thought I would give him space to not be interested if that’s what he wanted. Unexpectedly, he was the one reaching out with flirtatious texts (I flirted back) and invitations for dates. And, when we saw each other, he would ask for parting hugs (I am from the Northeast, I do not give off “hug me” energy). Two of the dates were vague (“I should have time next weekend”), and one was definite, and he called (like with his voice, what a weirdo) to cancel. I wasn’t upset about the cancellation (it was difficult at this point to believe in any plans), but I tried to gently, during this call, invite him to “come clean” about his intentions. He re-stated that he was very busy and worried he wouldn’t finish this project, but that we should hang out the following week after it was over.
His project came and went. I did know the date, so I texted my congratulations when I knew it was over, and he thanked me and said that it had gone better than expected. This made me think he is one of those people who gets really worked up over work and is a perfectionist and will never not be stressed out.
As you also pointed out, it was then holiday time. Also, he was sent for a temporary assignment out of town and would be gone early this year. I really didn’t think I’d hear from him. But late January, he texted to apologize and to explain. He reiterated he was truly very busy, that when he had free time, he chose to spend it with friends, and that while he “appreciates” me and finds me “very attractive,” that I “deserve to spend time with someone who is willing to make more time” for me. I just replied that I am glad he is doing well, that I enjoyed talking to him. For the record, this is very reasonable—you’re busy, you have a finite number of hours free, building a new relationship is not what I would want to do either. I would want to incorporate a casual sex partner into the mix, but I think he and his penis are not built that way.
I re-read your advice below, and a couple of things: I’m not totally sure why I came across as anxious or fixated on him. I think I was truly worried I had offended him at the point at which I was writing you—premature ejaculation is seriously embarrassing. I was worried the chat I had with him gave off the impression I was no longer interested. He was kind of a nervous guy overall. I think I didn’t want to be a jerk who “dumped” a guy after bad sex. And I really did like him as a person. I would be his friend under other circumstances. Oh, and he was a really good kisser. That is a rare find.
So, you were right and not right. He was interested enough to stay in contact and make some efforts—but perhaps he felt obligated? Or guilty? But not interested enough to take the time it takes to start something new. Overall, my takeaway is what I already knew—people are really complicated, and really tender on the inside. It’s hard to know what the kindest thing to do is in these situations. At one point, he told me he wished we had met when he was less busy a few months prior, and when he thanked me for talking to him, he said, “I thought you were two weekends away from giving up on me.”
That’s my best guess about what happened. I think I was kind. I think he was really busy and likely embarrassed. I imagine that sex would have gone the same way, and he knew that, too, and couldn’t face it. I know dick. Dick has emotions, dick gets stressed out. Maybe he figured if he could chill a little, he would perform better. Shrug!
—Thanks for the Advice!
Thanks for the update—your letter spun a great narrative, and I was legitimately curious about what would happen next. I think your ultimate assessment is correct: People are complicated. I also love this: “It’s hard to know what the kindest thing to do is in these situations.” It’s so true, and often the premise of this column.
I think you handled the situation well, and I’m glad that when the tables were turned, it was he who was reaching out. I like to think that your pulling back, as we advised, helped facilitate that, even if it still didn’t result in a love connection. Better luck next time. (And thanks for sticking by me and reading me for all these years!)
Hey How to Do It,
Re Only Jealous of His Vacation Days: I recently took my first “real” cruise on a 2,000-plus passenger ship, and I was really surprised by how many people on it were using all kinds of mobility devices. Turns out it’s actually a very popular vacation option for people who have trouble getting around. The cruise lines encourage it, and the construction of the ship facilitates it. Even if you can’t get off at all the port calls, you still get a chance to see a lot of the world and be amid interesting activities for a week.
—Not That Kind of Cruiser
I love to hear it. The world is so inaccessible to people with disabilities that whenever there is a space that is particularly accessible, it warms my heart. I always loved Disney’s policy to let people in wheelchairs go to the front of lines. Why shouldn’t they have a day where they get to be first? Obviously, like most systems, that one’s corruptible (by lying about one’s condition, for example), and I’m not even sure if Disney’s still doing it, but I hope so.
Hey How to Do It,
Re Turned On and Baffled: In his PPS comment to her, Rich explored some ideas about toys for non-penis-in-vagina sex. One toy he didn’t mention is a penis sheath or extension to mimic PIV. It doesn’t have to be a strap-on; there are sheaths that seem to stay put without using straps or maybe only using a behind-the-balls ring. I think the husband could get a lot of psychological satisfaction from having sex with her using one of these devices.
—Just a Thought
Definitely. A great point. The writer did seem rather set on her husband’s inability to perform without even entertaining alternatives, which was perhaps telling in itself (she struck me as a little too comfortable about that). This is a useful additional suggestion.
Hey How to Do It,
Re Wrestling With the Packaging: I read this and immediately identified—especially when I was in my 20s (in my 40s now) I very often was accused of being “gay” or overly feminine by both men and women.
I don’t just deploy this whole story in reaction to everyone, but here’s the bottom line. I grew up in the rural south surrounded by toxic masculinity, with an alcoholic, abusive father. During my formative years, I generally avoided groups of straight men, first out of survival and then out of habit. I found refuge with groups of women and gay men, and I never picked up a lot of “habits” that signify being macho.
But I’ve never been interested in romance or sex with men. I’ve been married for 13 years and have three kids now, but I still struggle to connect with men, despite being surrounded by Brooklyn dads. You never know someone’s story!
—Manly Not Macho
See? They do exist. In general, I think left-leaning people are moving toward tolerance of a range of gender expressions. Is such a courtesy extended to straight men who present traits widely regarded as feminine? Doubt it. Something to work on as a society: Letting people be themselves.
Hey How to Do It,
Re Not Receiving Well: While it may well be because of the different sensations than vaginal or anal, I suspect that it’s more psychological. Especially since he can come from oral when he’s in control. Maybe he can enjoy playing the passive role, but can’t get off in that role.
—The Hammer of the Gods
It can definitely be psychological. Also, the range in technique from sucker to sucker matters. Personally, I found this guy’s letter relatable, except on those occasions where it’s not relatable at all.
Hey How to Do It,
Re Best Friends Forever: I think it’s important to note he may be feeling uncomfortable with the idea of being friends and shifting into a relationship, and not wanting to ruin it all. I think the letter writer needs to be clear with her needs from him to give it a proper shot at a relationship after being friends. If she wants him to initiate sex more and feel desired sexually, she needs to make that clear so he can act accordingly. It all depends on how the friendship transitioned into more. He might feel reserved about crossing a line or misstepping and have you change your mind about wanting to be in a more romantic relationship. If it changed into a deeper relationship with no change on his part, he might think he will mess it up by being more into it than you are, or maybe even another dynamic. Men are simple. Just talk to him.
—The Pan Guy
The depth of friendship could absolutely be a factor. This letter seemed to describe two dudes (“Maybe we’re doomed to forever have a bromance instead of a romance,” was my tip-off), though your point stands. It can be really daunting to alter a great friendship with something as potentially upending as sex.
Hey How to Do It,
Re Only Jealous of His Vacation Days: You both didn’t notice that the writer is this upset when she’s only been seeing Jack for six months! This is less “we’ve missed all these possible vacations because he’s with his ex” and more “maybe I’ll miss a vacation at some point with him because of it.” In six months, how many epic vacations did she think she’d have been on? Seems she is really looking for reasons to make this into a big deal when it likely hasn’t had any, or very little effect, so far on their time together.
—Why Do People Get Pre-Upset So Often?
I think it was more so that we gave her a little bit of grace there. She hadn’t been in a relationship before, she found someone who appeared to be the perfect guy, and it set her head spinning. I agree with you, this is mostly anxiety about the future as opposed to angst about the present, but I couldn’t really blame her for thinking ahead.
More Advice From Slate
I (60 M) have been married to my wife (57 F) for 25 years. After four kids and the stresses of life, we still have a healthy and satisfying love life, except for one thing. My top (by a long shot) sexual fantasy is anal, but my wife had no interest. As a physician, she says she sees the physical damage that anal sex causes women and wanted no part.