Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I feel like I desperately need to hit the reset button, and I just don’t know how. I have five kids, ranging from toddlers to teens. There is a literal nonstop battle in my home lately. Someone is always screaming and crying, they are physical with each other, they steal each other’s things, they break each other’s things out of retaliation, they are cruel and mean to each other, and they agree on nothing. There is no peace in our house. This isn’t the kind of house I want my children growing up in.

I think if I read a post like this, my first thought would be that the kids are learning it from somewhere, but this is not what we are modeling. I admittedly have a short fuse lately and will often send them to their rooms to separate them until things calm down, but I try really hard not to yell (it happens occasionally), and I am certainly not name-calling or ruining their things.

I’m a stay-at-home parent, my younger kids are up at 6 a.m., and my older kids go to bed later than I do, so just every waking moment of my life feels like chaos and conflict these days. I am burnt out. I see no end in sight. I would welcome any ideas, and please be kind.

—Chaos

Dear Chaos,

I feel for you! Once we’re burnt out, it can be really hard to even find the energy to make any changes. I know you want to hit the total reset button, but may I suggest concentrating on just one small change at a time instead?

I don’t have multiple kids, but I’m a single mom to one with multiple disabilities. And I am often just plain burnt out. More than a few times, I’ve been desperate and overwhelmed. About six or seven years ago, I instituted a rule for myself: I would only deal with one thing at a time. It’s truly been life-changing. Need to try a new therapy? Not until after I fix this problem at the pharmacy. Need to introduce a new food? Not until after we get this new bath routine down.
So, choose a change that feels both achievable and that, if it works, could encourage you to keep going. For example, if stealing each other’s things is a main point of disagreement and causes a lot of the fighting, focus solely on creating a plan for that. Try separating communal items that they share from individual items that they don’t. For the little kids, try a timer as they share toys and make a game of playing with it until it buzzes. For the bigger kids, label their things and create consequences, such as paying for what’s broken out of their allowance.

After making those changes, try influencing the big kids to model better behavior for the smaller kids. Sometimes, kids won’t do things for themselves or to avoid their own consequences, but if they realize they’re having a negative effect on the younger kids who look up to them, they might change their tune.

But remember: Your reset doesn’t have to happen all at once. Tackle it piece by piece, and it’ll actually help you protect your peace.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 6-year-old daughter, “Celia,” seems to have absolutely no understanding of time. I don’t mean just that she gets distracted and takes too long getting dressed before school, or thinks a five-minute wait is an eternity. That’s normal for her age. But she can’t remember basic ideas like “tomorrow” being the day after today or “tonight” being at the end of today. She calls everything in the future “in the morning.” She’ll ask me when something is and then ask me again in the very next sentence. I just had a conversation with her where I had to explain at least five times that Easter was not tomorrow, but in a week. We counted the days together to help her understand, and I also have a big calendar in the kitchen with days marked off, which I show her, but she seems to forget immediately.

I must have similar conversations about school events, birthdays, days of the week, and seasons of the year at least seven or eight times in the brief hours we have together when she’s not in school or asleep. Time just doesn’t seem to stick. Is this a normal thing for her age? She was found to have hearing loss in both ears and received hearing aids at the end of last summer, which has immediately helped her speech delay. Has she missed a development milestone? I know kids can be a little forgetful about abstract ideas, but the way we talk about it over and over and over is really starting to worry me. I spoke to her teacher, and every morning they sit together as a group and recite the date and day of the week, plus the weather, season, etc., but the teacher couldn’t tell me anything about Celia specifically (she has 30 other kids, so I wasn’t surprised).

—In the Morning

Dear In the Morning,

Celia is just now reaching the age where time isn’t as abstract as it once was. It’s totally normal, and while her teacher can’t tell you anything specifically about Celia’s understanding in class about this, it’s common for teachers of smaller kids to go over the calendar every single day. That’s because it’s not so easy for everyone to understand, and a lot of kids don’t understand time until first or second grade. I mean, what’s the difference between Monday and Friday to you when almost every day is the same, and your grown-ups do all the things that need to be done for you anyway?

One tactic I would try is looking at the calendar both in the morning and at night and allowing her to cross off the day before she goes to bed. Involving her in the marking off of days might make it stick and leave her thinking, “Oh, another day has passed, and I’m a day closer to this other day.”

Of course, your daughter could have a developmental delay, in which case, it’s always good to get her tested. If your concerns don’t wane, contact her pediatrician, who will be able to direct you on what your next steps should be from there.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter is 17 and has suddenly decided to become so defiant. She does school online due to anxiety around going to high school, but she doesn’t do what she is supposed to, so she will have to repeat her junior year. I have found weed and alcohol in her room. She has been sneaking her boyfriend in at night, and they took my car (she doesn’t have a permit or license). She turned her location off on her phone, so we took her service away, and now she is taking off and hanging out with bad influences and staying out two to four hours past curfew. I don’t know what to do. If I take more away, I fear that she will disappear for good. Help!

—Acting Out

Dear Acting Out,

I wonder if your daughter is using weed and alcohol to calm her anxiety. Stealing your car, sneaking in her boyfriend, and sneaking out seem to be the effects of trying to numb emotions with substances and then seeking a thrill.

Therapy might be beneficial for you both—but separately! There’s something more happening with her that is best analyzed by a professional. But I don’t think she would open up to a therapist with you in the room. And you need an outlet, too! Discussing these changes in her behavior with your own therapist could be crucial in helping you navigate the situation.

In the meantime, one thing that stands out is that since she’s now in online school, she doesn’t have any positive in-person interactions. She only has these instances in which she’s sneaking out to hang with bad influences. Boredom and feeling stuck in the house can also breed a desire to break free from boundaries. Are there any programs that she can attend? For example, if she’s a great artist, art classes are a low-stakes way to get her out of the house and around a different crowd. And if her anxiety is really bad that day, it won’t hurt her if she misses a day. Whatever it may be, try to get her out of the house for something productive, and that might lead to some different connections.

—Arionne

More Advice From Slate

My son, a high school freshman, is a very laid-back and relaxed 15-year-old. This was great when he was younger—rarely was there a tantrum or strong resistance—but as a teenager it makes me so worried. We cannot get him motivated about school, or to find his passions. He puts in little effort and does fine.

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