Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m a 57-year-old gay married male who had to make the conscious decision to finally cut my immediate family (parents and sister) out of my life about six years ago because they are all Trumpets and bigots. Our relationship had been extremely toxic for many years and I cut them off for my own sanity. I don’t regret that decision, but I am plagued often with guilt for not speaking with them (but that’s content for another letter).

My parents are now in their early 80s. About 15 years ago, they sent me a copy of their will which named me the executor (I am their only son and eldest child). I don’t want this job, but at the same time, I’m willing to be the executor if that’s still their preference out of basic respect for them and the good home they provided me when I was young (until I came out).

And yet, I have much reason to believe that my parents changed their will since our falling out; still, I don’t know this for sure. There will likely be an estate with property and money that, frankly, I could use, though I’m in no way depending on it or expecting it after so many years of no-contact. And since going no-contact with my parents, it’s likely they’d cut me out of their will out of spite (they are highly transactionally-minded people).

Aside from contacting them about all this (I just can’t reopen this wound—trust me, it’s too much to deal with, and they all refused for years to go to counseling with me). Is there any way for me to know if I’m still in the will or still the executor? I don’t expect my sister will even inform me if they die, and I believe she will simply ignore their will if they do indeed leave anything to me or still intend for me to function as the executor.

—Cut Off and Cut Out

Dear Cut Off and Cut Out,

You can’t have this both ways. You want to know if you’re still the executor and named in the will without reopening contact with people who rejected you for being gay. That information requires contact—either with them or their attorney. There’s no secret database you can check.
Before you reach out, decide whether you actually want to be their executor. Because it sounds like you absolutely don’t. Being executor means months of paperwork, dealing with creditors, managing property sales, and—crucially—interacting extensively with your sister, who you also cut off and who you believe will try to circumvent their wishes. Why volunteer for that nightmare out of “basic respect” for people who showed you none?

If they haven’t changed the will and you’re still named as the executor, you can decline when the time comes. Executors aren’t conscripted. You have the right to say no. But you won’t know unless someone tells you they died, and you’re right—your sister might not.

In this scenario, there are things you can control and others that are out of your control. Let’s start with what you can control: Set up a Google Alert for your parents’ names plus “obituary” in their city. Check local obituary sites periodically. If you learn they’ve died, contact the probate court in their county. Wills become public record once filed, though there may be a delay. You’ll then find out if you’re named and what, if anything, you’re owed. They might have left you as the executor, but removed you as an heir.

Unfortunately, you can’t control whether they changed their will, whether your sister follows the terms of their wills, or whether you get any inheritance. Your parents likely won’t die simultaneously, so the surviving spouse will probably serve as executor first. All of this becomes relevant after your last parent passes.

If your sister tries to ignore a valid will that names you, that’s probate fraud. Courts take it seriously. But fighting it requires lawyers and money and emotional energy. And whatever you might inherit may not be worth the fight.

The real question: Is the potential inheritance worth years of anxiety about documents you can’t see, people who hurt you, and dealing with endless rounds of legal matters? I’d like you to consider whether it’s time to let this go entirely.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’ve seen a variety of targets listed for emergency funds, often in multiples of your typical monthly spending, and influenced by family situations (are there kids, are there one or two incomes, etc). These nearly always assume consistent income and expenses. How would you modify things to deal with predictable cycles? Some people are going to have seasonal jobs, for example, and utility costs can vary widely between summer and winter for a lot of people.

For example, I’m a college professor on the full-time teaching track. I’m only paid during terms I have an appointment—guaranteed for nine months of the year, and I’ll typically know by late October whether I also have 1.5 months of a summer class. My job is very reliable, and I have a multi-year contract, so budgeting is fairly straightforward; I plan around just the nine-month figure as if that’s all I’ll have for a year, and then the summer ends up acting like a bonus if it materializes. But because I have one- to-three months each year without a paycheck, my cash reserves will obviously decline during that period.

Does that end up meaning I should simply add three more months of typical expenses to whatever other emergency savings bucket best fits my situation? I recognize that there’s value in having a robust emergency fund, but it’s also long-term never going to match market returns, so there’s a real opportunity cost involved in keeping too much liquid.

—Math Problems

Dear Math Problems,

You’re conflating two completely different financial needs: budgeting for predictable income gaps and emergency savings. These require separate pots of money.

Your unpaid summer months aren’t emergencies—they’re scheduled, known expenses. You need a summer bridge fund that covers one-to-three months of living expenses, which you replenish during your paid months. This isn’t emergency savings. This is basic cash flow management for irregular income.

Here’s how it works: During your nine paid months, set aside enough each paycheck to cover summer expenses. If your monthly expenses are $5,000 and you have three unpaid months, that’s $15,000 you need saved by May. Divide by nine paychecks: you’re saving $1,667/month just for summer.

Because you know by late October whether you’ll have summer income, you can be strategic about where this money sits, so consider the following options:
• High-yield savings accounts: currently APR around 4 percent, up to 5 percent with some conditions; provides instant access
• Treasury bills (T-bills): 3-to-6 month terms, similar or slightly better rates than high-yield savings accounts, considered very safe
• Money market funds: competitive APR around 4 percent; nearly as liquid as savings
• Short-term CD ladder: stagger 3-to-6 month CDs so one matures just about when you need the cash

Your actual emergency fund should be kept separate. You’ll want to keep 3-to-6 months of expenses handy for genuine disasters, like your car breaking down or the hot water tank exploding. With your stable multi-year contract, three months of expenses is probably fine and you should keep that in a high-yield savings account for immediate access.

While you need more liquid cash than someone with year-round paychecks, you should think of it as operational money for known gaps, not “extra” emergency savings.

—Ilyce

Classic Prudie

I’m engaged to be married soon, and, while my fiancé was away on holiday recently, I reconnected with a (heterosexual) friend of the opposite gender and ended up staying overnight unexpectedly. As his shared house does not have a communal living area and his bedroom is quite small, I ended up sleeping in his spacious double bed with him in it. It was strictly platonic, but my fiancé and I are from a relatively conservative background and my fiancé would not be OK with me seeing this friend again alone if I were to tell him. Is co-sleeping with someone in a context that most people might assume to have romantic undercurrents cheating?

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