Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Our family had a coydog (a mix between a male coyote and a female dog), “Rollo.” Rollo was a well behaved animal, but that didn’t stop our neighbor, “Dave,” from insisting that he was a menace.
Several months ago, he shot Rollo—who was on our side of the fence and showing no signs of aggression. We supported a prosecution, but he pled down in criminal court and got a suspended sentence for animal cruelty. We also took him to small claims court, but they declined to append any emotional damage. In the end, we were awarded $850. My 6-year-old, “Celia,” is of the opinion that this wasn’t nearly enough, and has been openly fantasizing about ways to get back at Dave, including asking me to get my rifle and shoot him. I’ve been trying to explain to her that as much as she might hate Dave, we can’t go around murdering people. But she wants revenge, and doesn’t seem to be thinking in terms of proportionality at all. How can I talk her back from this?
—Proportionality Problem
Dear Proportionality Problem,
Dave is clearly a horrible person and I also wish him ill! That said, I’m not sure that focusing on ideas of “proportionality” or “justice” will help at all. To a 6-year-old, a life for a life, even if one life is a dog’s, probably does seem like justice (not that it is, of course). There is no way to get true justice for Rollo now, because that would mean that he was still alive.
You’ve already made the most important point to Celia, which is that murder is simply not an option, practically (you’d go to jail! It would ruin all your lives) or morally speaking (murder is always wrong). If she’s still fixated on killing Dave despite these explanations, perhaps that’s because it is easier for her to be angry and plot “revenge” than it is to feel all the sadness and grief she must be feeling.
So that’s probably where I would focus, as her parent: giving her lots of ways and opportunities to express and process her grief over Rollo, as opposed to her hatred of Dave. The latter is real, but it has nowhere to go: Dave doesn’t care that you all hate him, and it won’t bring Rollo back or make any of you feel better about losing your dog. The circumstances are especially terrible and unfair, but you do have an opportunity here to help your child learn to acknowledge, face, and honor her grief, and that’s something every one of us—including most kids, at some point—will need to learn.
—Nicole
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My 8-year-old wants a cellphone. I think this is nuts; my wife says it’ll help her keep in touch with her friends after school, also in case of emergencies. She has agreed to abide by your ruling either way. It’s nuts, right?