Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband is terrified of flying and finds the process of air travel in general to be extremely stressful. He doesn’t want our toddler to fly either, even if I offer to take her by myself. He’s convinced that she’ll find it just as stressful and scary as he does, so we should stick with car trips. The problem is that my family all lives 1,200 miles away. I want my daughter to know her cousins and grandparents, but I simply can’t drive that distance with her at this stage: She gets carsick, and I don’t have the vacation time for 2,400-mile round trips. My parents have flown out several times to visit us, but it doesn’t seem fair that they’re always the ones to travel. And meanwhile, my husband’s family all lives within 200 miles, so they get to see our daughter all the time. I don’t even know what I’m asking. Is this fair? Does my husband really get to unilaterally determine whether I get to take our daughter on airplanes?

— Just Let Her Fly

Dear Just Let Her Fly,

It’s one thing for your husband to choose not to fly, but if his anxiety over it is so severe that he is trying to control whether you and your daughter do so, that could be a sign that he needs some more help dealing with it. Of course it’s okay if he doesn’t want to travel by air. But by refusing to allow your child to fly, he is preventing her from seeing half her family and you from visiting yours.

He can’t know how your daughter will handle air travel if she’s never flown before. I think it makes sense to try to take her on a flight with you. If she does well on the trip (or, you know, as well as toddlers ever do on planes), which she probably will, that is a good data point. You should absolutely be able to see your family if you want to, and bring your daughter along. Hopefully your husband can work on accepting that the two of you will occasionally need to travel by plane—and will, for your child’s sake, try to avoid instilling the same fear of flying in her.

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We’ve been the go-to hosts for my husband’s family holiday get-togethers for years.
We haven’t minded much in the past, but now that our kids are a little older and we are constantly running from one sport/activity to another, we don’t have time for all the prep work involved. Even though people bring a dish or wine, it’s a major expense to throw a party. The bigger problem: Not everyone lives close by (his parents and sister and her family are about 2.5 hours away), and they have no issues canceling at the last minute.

Since no one else ever offers to host, we recently tried to plan a holiday party at our racquet club with event space—just ordering pizza and salad and bringing our own drinks and desserts (so we weren’t paying for food that wouldn’t be eaten given their history of backing out last-minute). Of course, my husband’s family all canceled, citing bad weather. This was not a valid excuse—the weather was fine—but the easy-out we’ve become accustomed to. We understand that his parents, in particular, want to come and be at our home for several hours, spend time with grandkids, but again, no one else offers to host.

They informed us a few weeks back they were coming for Easter. We asked his brother and sister-in-law if they’d like to host and they declined. So, we made a reservation at a restaurant for a large group that required a credit card, and let them all know that if anyone canceled, they’d need to pay any cancellation fees should we be charged. His parents seemed very put-off by this and the whole idea of going to a restaurant. But at this point, we no longer care to plan or host anything. Are we wrong here? It upsets my husband, and I know it’s causing a rift, as they only visit once a year, aside from the visits centered around holidays. We, in turn, visit them once a year, which I think upsets them, but we’re never invited for holidays. They are retired; we have three children, work busy jobs, and have very little downtime.

— Done With Hosting Duties

Dear Done With Hosting,

I don’t think you’re wrong to be annoyed, or to want a break from hosting. Let’s focus on the stuff you can control, since you can’t control whether your in-laws invite you to visit, or decide to start hosting holidays themselves. Instead of (kind of passive aggressively) telling them that they’ll be responsible for restaurant charges if they back out last-minute, I would simply say that you’re not hosting all the family get-togethers any longer. Don’t make a dinner plan or a reservation for the next holiday. Don’t make any sort of hosting plan. That’s not your lookout! You’re not the hosts!

You can, if you want to, soften the blow by saying you’re too busy with work and your kids’ activities. You can also choose to be more direct and tell them you just can’t host every family gathering, but you’ll gladly attend if someone else hosts the next one. What I think you want to avoid is going forward with reservations and rentals and other plans that will leave you with just as much if not more resentment (and a higher bill) if people back out last-minute, or trying to convey your displeasure through things like cancellation fees. There is truly no substitute for direct communication! It’s okay to say you need a break from hosting. Tell them that, and don’t back down.

Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Nicole Each Week

From this week’s letter, My Daughter Is Catching Onto Our Big Financial Secret. Oh Brother.: “I don’t want to lie to her, but I’m worried that having an honest conversation about this will create even more friction between her and her brother.”

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I have a delightful 1-year-old boy. We’ve had our share of difficulties in our marriage and as our son grows, I begin to wonder how they will affect him. One thing that concerns me is my husband’s constant defensiveness. No matter how I make a request (and I’ve tried it all: soft approach, passive aggressiveness, avoidance), he gets defensive. If I bring up an issue, he consistently replies, “well, YOU [xyz]…” It’s getting exhausting. I don’t even know how to bring it up, because I feel he’ll just be defensive. I have tried to address it with humor, but so far this has not led to any noticeable change. I feel like I’ve done some good work getting to a point where I am asking for what I need, but I’m at a loss when it seems to backfire. What will such consistent defensiveness and “but you…”s teach our son about taking responsibility? Am I borrowing trouble with this concern? What can I do?

— Staring Down the Defensive Line

Dear Staring Down the Defensive Line,

Your child won’t learn anything good from this in terms of accountability and communication, that’s for sure. I think the bigger issue is that he will likely grow up thinking he must also try to manage his father’s poor reactions to requests or conflicts.

You know that distress and exhaustion you feel when you try different approaches, do your utmost to try to ensure a better reaction, and your husband still chooses to respond in the defensive way he does? Your child is going to observe and possibly experience that, too. He might receive the message that it’s also his job to accommodate his father’s extreme defensiveness—to tiptoe around him, bite his tongue, or avoid him altogether; anything to keep from setting Dad off again.

Your letter is brief, and obviously I know very little about your situation, but what you wrote set off some alarm bells for me. Your husband’s “defensiveness” sounds both manipulative and hostile. This is clearly his problem to solve, not yours—but you have and are raising a kid with him, so of course you want and need this to get better. For your child’s sake and yours, I really hope he will listen and try to address his issues, perhaps in therapy (it might also help if you are not the only person telling him he needs to work on this). Whether he does or not, I think you’re right to keep an eye on how his anger and constant defensiveness affects your son. It’s hard for me to believe that it won’t have an impact on him.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My in-laws love buying anything and everything we want/need for our 2-year-old and 6-month-old, their only grandkids. This isn’t them buying a couple gifts for occasions where you’d expect gifts, it’s multiple new items nearly every time we see them (at least weekly). At first they would ask us what the kids could use for whatever upcoming gift-giving occasion was happening, but then they’d show up with whatever items we suggested within a couple days and say they’d come up with something else for the birthday/Christmas/whatever. Now anytime either of us even mentions something we might be thinking about getting for the kids or them enjoying, they’re at our house with it within a week.

I know I should be thankful for this and that not spending money while your kids still have everything they want and need is a “problem” many would jump at, but it’s starting to get to me. My husband and I are pretty practical people, so we don’t just buy stuff for the sake of buying. Once my kids have every special item purchased by their grandparents, I can’t justify buying anything more for them myself. I just want to pick out a cute Christmas outfit for my daughter, but Grandma already brought over three and she really doesn’t need four!

We have talked to them about it multiple times with increasing emphasis, and they say they’re just so excited to be able to see how happy the items make them and they know being a parent is very expensive so they want to lighten our load. To be clear, we are rather comfortable financially, so that is not a concern for us (I know this is a privilege). Besides taking away some of our gift-giving joy, our toddler now expects presents every time she sees them, and that’s certainly not what we want our child to learn. We stopped giving them suggestions of physical gifts and have instead begun asking them to help with experiences (like a visit to the zoo, a beach day, etc.), but even when they do one of those, it comes with multiple on-theme gifts (towel, swimsuit, sun hat, sandals, and a brand-new set of beach toys—all of which she already had—for the beach day). Ideas for a better way to scale this back so every day isn’t Christmas?

—Out-Gifted

Dear Out-Gifted,

Have you come right out and said, “Please don’t buy our kids any more gifts unless it is their birthday or Christmas”? Have you explained that your 2-year-old now feels entitled to gifts every time she sees them, and that’s not okay with you or good for her? If not, I would try saying these things very directly, in precisely those words, and see if it gets through at all.

If they persist, you can start intercepting their gifts at the door (or outside, in the driveway), saying something like: “We talked about this, remember? We asked you not to bring so many gifts every time. I’m going to set these aside for Ethel’s birthday/Christmas.” It might still mean a mountain of presents at the next holiday, but at least it will be a mountain of presents on a day that makes sense, and your toddler will begin to understand that not every visitor will come bearing gifts.

A couple of other suggestions: Stop mentioning anything the kids could want or need, as your in-laws clearly interpret this as a wish that needs fulfilling. If you want to buy a special cute outfit for one of your kids, go for it, and donate/freecycle the spares. You may not be able to stop your in-laws from over-gifting, but you still get to give your children things you want them to have from you.

— Nicole

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