Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) 

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m a 23-year-old graduate student. My significant other is 28; we met in school and have been together for two and a half years. We make excellent life partners, have supported each other through good times and bad, and feel aligned on the key issues. We both come from poor backgrounds and have at times struggled with money. After a rough career pivot, where my significant other almost hit rock bottom, they landed an extremely lucrative and stable job in finance. They’re now making more than 15 times what I make! (Yes, literally.)

They did the math and realized that if we were married, we’d save around $12,000 in taxes this year and up to $25,000 yearly after that. This is a serious relationship; we’ve talked about marriage in the future. But the future was never meant to be before I left school or turned 25! If we get married, we’d prefer to just go to the courthouse for paperwork and act like we’re still dating; not throw our tax refund to the wind and host a giant wedding. But even if we agree to keep our relationship the same emotionally, I don’t know what would change for me legally. What else should I be considering?

—Maybe Getting Married

Dear Maybe Getting Married,

I’ve been married for 11 years and feel very strongly that no one should get married solely for tax benefits, and not just because marriage is about more than legal and financial status, though it is. Any tax benefits you reap can easily be undone by the costs of divorce (both literal and otherwise) if it doesn’t work out, and you don’t know if your income will be stable indefinitely. So, even if you were thinking about marriage solely through a financial lens, it would not necessarily net out positively. It really depends on what happens to the relationship and your finances over time.

You need to consider other factors, too. At 23, you’re certainly an adult, but also at the beginning of your career and independent adult life, and marriage as an institution is designed to be a lifelong commitment. For a lot of people, it isn’t, but I think you need to be committed to the idea that it is if you’re going to take that step. You say you and your partner have supported each other through good times and bad, and I know two and a half years seems like a long time, but if we’re talking about long-term changes, it’s not.

So I’ll give you some advice that was given to me before I got married at the age of 37, after having been in several monogamous relationships and having already experienced cohabitation with a partner. Imagine the following scenarios: One of you experiences a devastating career development that affects your finances. One of you has a catastrophic health problem, forcing you to rework your everyday existence together and one of you becomes a caretaker. You have children and have major disagreements about how to raise them. Someone turns your head, or your partner’s, and you have an affair, or don’t. One of you decides you want a big change and want to move, change careers, or do something major that affects both of you.

Now, think about all of these scenarios as they apply to your partner, and imagine not that some of them happen, but all of them do—and far sooner than you expect. Is this still the person you want to be with indefinitely? Can you imagine going through all of those things together and still being OK? If so, then yes, maybe you’re ready to get married, but a lot of people only anticipate these scenarios after they happen, or think one or all of them will never happen to them. If you’ve thought through and discussed all of these situations, you would be an unusual case.

If you and your partner still think this is what you want, you do get some tax advantages from getting married, as a matter of public policy, and you’ll see them show up if you’re filing taxes jointly as a married couple. As for other legal advantages, you’re eligible for benefits as a spouse that can be harder to get if you’re not married—being on your partner’s health insurance, for example; more straightforward estate planning; being able to make medical and legal decisions for each other; and so on. And a prenuptial agreement can mitigate the potential cost of divorce. But again, I’d caution against getting married solely for the legal benefits.

—Elizabeth Spiers

From: My Partner Insists On Buying Me Elaborate Gifts, That I Pay For. (October 25th, 2022)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I recently was married and am very happy. However, I’m having a huge problem with my wedding photographer. As standard practice, I paid her the full amount on the day of the wedding. Unfortunately, the issue is that it’s been five months since my wedding, and she has yet to provide the pictures. Overall, she rarely answers my messages. I usually contact her every two weeks or so, and she doesn’t always answer me. When she does get back to me, she is full of excuses about why she hasn’t sent them (computer trouble or having a husband in a wheelchair). I’m sorry to hear about her computer and husband, but I’m very worried that something has happened to my pictures because she’s been so shady. She says that when she gets the computer fixed, she will send me the pictures. It’s been about four weeks since I heard from her last so I sent her a message telling her that she has until the end of the month to give me the pictures, or I will take legal action. My question is, what legal action can I take? Is this something that small claims court can address? Or should I get a lawyer? What if she did lose my pictures, can I ask for damages in addition to my money back? I feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about this, and I’m sad that I may never get to see any of the pictures of my wedding day.

—I Just Want My Pictures!

Dear Pictures,

Congrats on your nuptials, and I’m sorry to hear the photos are taking so long. Before you take this court, send a certified letter to your photographer requesting an update with a delivery date for your photos. If the letter doesn’t get results, escalate the matter to small claims court (ensure it is under your state’s small claim limit). Small claims cases are usually easy to file without a lawyer. It is unlikely you would be able to sue for damages beyond what you paid, as most small claims courts don’t award pain and suffering compensation. The court would likely compel the photographer to refund your fees, offer a reshoot, or turn over the images promptly. I hope you get your wedding photos soon!

—Lillian Karabaic

From: I Got Scammed By My Wedding Photographer. (October 24th, 2022).

Dear Pay Dirt,

When my sister had her son—the only one in my extended family to have a child so far—our grandmother told her she wanted her family to have her home when she died. It’s a modest house in a very nice neighborhood with excellent schools, a walkable downtown, and so on. (My sister and her husband currently rent a house.) We all hoped this would be a faraway offer, but unfortunately, my grandmother fell ill and died this year. She was a wonderful if complicated woman, and we’re mostly focused on our grief. But we barely had her in the ground when estate issues flared up. My mom has several brothers, and years ago my grandmother said she wanted her assets split between my mom and them upon her death.


But this was, apparently, never written down anywhere. My mom controls the whole estate—everything was already in her name. My mom is well aware of my grandmother’s intention to leave my sister’s family her home—she talked very openly about it—but this, too, was not written down. The brothers are torn, and one is very opposed to the idea; he wants his cut from a sale in a hot market. My mom doesn’t know what to do. My sister can’t afford to buy the house right now. She wants this for her family but feels sick at the thought of fighting for it. What is the right way to figure this out, and what are the potential legal considerations for my mom?

—Big Ol’ Mess

Dear Big Ol’ Mess,

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother and the issues your family is now facing. I called in Jen Gumbel, a licensed estate attorney, for some extra help figuring out what your options might be.

The first thing Gumbel advises you to do is take a breath. While you may have heard your grandmother’s intent while she was alive and speaking, it wasn’t put on paper, which makes this extremely difficult to prove. When legal documents don’t match the intent a person expressed, you have a legal mess with high emotions. “Assets travel because of writing. If it’s not in a will, it doesn’t happen,” Gumbel said. In order to inherit a specific asset as her granddaughter, it needs to be on paper.

“States have rules on how you give you divide assets in an estate, and it usually has to be written to state standards,” Gumbel added. As every state is different regarding probate, it’s extremely important that your mom speaks to an estate attorney before moving forward. She could have options that are specific to your state and inheritance laws.

Gumbel advises that you all try to have a civil conversation with your family and try not to be accusatory. “People don’t like giving to people who expect. You can’t expect people to give even if it would be helpful and important to your situation,” Gumbel said. Your family may come to compromises or agreements this way that works for everyone.

—Athena Valentine

From: Our Family Is In Shambles Over My Grandmother’s Dying Wish. (October 21th, 2022).

More Money Advice From Slate

I’m a financially comfortable but lonely widow in my late 60s. My son and only child, “Christopher,” has been extremely distant ever since he graduated college, and especially since he got married. He didn’t even have a wedding to invite me to, and I’ve never met my 7-year-old granddaughter in person. I always just quietly accepted this because I didn’t want to be one of those parents who complain about their child cutting them off and who everyone assumes are abusive monsters. But when we spoke on the phone this past Christmas, I worked up the courage to ask him why. I was shocked when he told me he and his wife have always felt that I don’t care about them, because I’ve never helped them financially.

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